Unwilling to change my lifestyle to save myself?

Hi all.

I am not sure if this is the proper place to put this, or if it would belong better in say, /psychology but here goes anyhow... let me know if you can relate or if you were in the same situation and changed it?

I am a soon to be 50 year old guy. I was officially diagnosed with Type II diabetes back in 2014 when I went to the ER for an MRSA infection with cellulitis in my arm and found out I had an A1C of 14.5.

When I finally got out of the hospital, I was put in contact with a dietician who handed me a long list of no-no's when it comes to food. The first time I went grocery shopping, I was nearly in tears as almost everything I ENJOYED eating was on that list. I put some serious effort into eating healthier foods, sticking to my meds generally trying to have a more active lifestyle (which is a bit more difficult that normal being an over the road truck driver who sits on his butt 14 - 24 hours a day).

Since then, it has been a constant nightmare of my A1C going down and then my weight skyrocketing (I was 375lbs when diagnosed, dropped down to 220 and now hover around 260lbs) and then watching the weight come off when my BG would rise.

I dealt with this for years, eating things I absolutely do not enjoy, staying away from soda and energy drinks just to watch this crappy yo yo effect and finding out that yep, once again I'm at 10.5 or 12 a1C even though I gave it my best.

It's gotten to the point that I just don't seem to care anymore. I eat what I like, take my 1500mg of metformin, 10mg of glipizide and a once a week injection of mounjaro and then suffer with horrible side effects from all 3, mostly related to the bathroom and stomach issues. No matter how much I try to turn my mind towards healthier lifestyles, like going back to not drinking monsters or soda, the thought just depresses me. I feel like a spoiled child who is stomping his feet because he can't have what he wants, and truely, honestly doesn't like most of the things they tell him to eat.

I can't get motivated to exercise anymore - my partner rides in the truck with me and constantly asks me to go on walks with her and tells me how if I don't change it's going to kill me, and even with all that, I'm still - eh, it's all good, I'll be ok... I know I won't, and the thought of dying from the dreaded "complications of diabetes" terrifies me, but I simply don't seem to have any real desire to make all the changes (or even some it seems) to counter that eventual outcome.

I would say it's depression, but it just keeps getting worse the longer this battle continues. I find joy in a chocolate brownie from quik trip (avoid them at all cost, they're amazing) or sticking my hand into the dorito bag while sipping down a diet mt dew or a zero carb monster. It really just doesn't seem to feel like there's an escape from this and that thought has pretty much come to control me.

Again, if you can relate, I'd love to know how you got out of this horrible cycle. If you couldn't stand the "healthy" food (or couldn't afford it, jesus it's expensive to eat healthy!), if you felt like it's a never ending, pretty much pointless struggle, rode that weight / a1c roller coaster.... I'd like to hear about it.

Thanks for reading my disjointed mess.