dont want a partner dont know where i stand

i kind of already mapped out how i feel but wanted to share. i don't want a girlfriend. so why am i on this sub? i don't know if it's society, or the voice in the back of my head but anytime i reject the desire for something related to status or common sense good it feels like the guilt and shame of not "having" or "achieving" is replaced by the feeling of being defective and delusional for not "wanting". like as soon as i realise for myself it's a bit silly to want a partner to relieve my sense of self and where it fits into this world, it's like a 180 that it's WEIRD i am not looking for a partner (or some kind of thing about how i'm defeating myself for not bothering). it's like how when i'm on instagram i get all these "stop doomscrolling" reels just to delete instagram and all of a sudden i should be making money on social media, and i get ads for instagram. bad analogy but u know what i mean. i'm not mad i don't have a gf and i'm not mad my life is a bit boring, i'm mad at other people that my value depends on that kind of thing, and i'm resentful that i'm crafting lies of a long distance gf and personas to not repeat shitty employment experiences so i can cope with waging.

and on the last sentence it's not like i haven't seriously been thinking about pursuing what i really want and making sacrifices to do that.

is it my OCD brain finding all contingencies and opinions, or have you guys found similar? in my heart i know what i want and who i am, but i didn't realise that being yourself and happiness in a way that outlies what's presentable is so looked down upon, but i shouldn't be surprised when everything else is thinly veiled in lies. i just thought the "just be happy alone bro" thing just kind of cleared you when the topic comes up.

whats funnier, is i have an imaginary friend, and if i reworded how it works to "well i just love myself and tell myself these things" its fine but if its an imaginary character i'm suddenly cooked or some shit.

and no ill will to people who would like partners, thats fair and fine, i used to be there, it's just kind of bumming me all the weird things you have to project for anyone to take you seriously in society. i just want to be away from it all, any time i play the game i don't feel proud or achieved, i feel suicidal.