Did i lose her?

Hi, coming here because I’m a bit lost and i don't know what to do.

Me (25M) and E. (25F) met in school and have been in love for almost a decade now but we were never in a real relationship, this is because i have serious commitment issues and we live pretty far from each other. We’ve just been messaging and calling by phone but everything always just felt like it was meant to be and we really belonged to eachother it always felt just right. We see each other rarely though. 

But now I really fucked up… we were meeting on Sunday and I didn’t turn up due to my mental health and it’s not the first time I do this to her… (I have days where leaving the house feels impossible) Now she’s done with me because I didn’t let her know on time that I wouldn’t make it… and i'm so mad at myself for this.

Now she blocked me on socials and isn’t replying to my text messages. I know that this is what i deserve. she's such a sweet soul and i'm so so so mad at myself. I’m really hoping I can just show her that I really do love her. I can’t imagine losing her.