Can't live like this

I've always hated my body for aslong as I can remember. I had an ED at 16, you could see my bones but I still believed I was fat. I got pregnant at 18 to which I gained alot of weight. I was 265lbs, I then lost weight. I was 189lbs and still felt fat. Unfortunately life happened and I'm back at 220lbs.

I feel disgusting, fat, ugly. I used to run and exercise but can't anymore as I've been diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my knees. Making just walking painful. I'm on a long list of psychiatric meds and have PCOS.

I'm exhausted from this mental battle everyday. I just want to hide away from the world and cry.

Just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to die but I can't live like this