(PLEASE HELP) realizing the signs i showed and things i did to make sense of my trauma

TW: SELF HARM, SEXUAL CONTENT, ONLINE/IRL GROOMING, CSA (MENTIONED), TRAFFICKING (MENTIONED), PHYSICAL ABUSE. i genuinely need validating and advice, i feel like what happened to me was probably my fault and all the experiences i had before and after it are all because of me. sorry if it's pretty lengthy.

please refer to my post history for more information on this (TW: CSA). i only just realized just how many signs i showed which proved that i was clearly struggling but no one in my family could care otherwise. as well as other inappropriate behavior i was displaying. i was around 10 and 11 during these moments. id also like to say that ive forgiven my parents for what they've done to me but not my other relatives.

— i started trying to harm myself and even tried showing pictures of it online. i remember my little sister noticed and would always try to keep scissors away from me (because it was what i mainly used to harm myself). my parents noticed but instead of doing anything about it, they beat my wrists using some sort of back scratcher till it turned violet. i remember my mom also telling me to just end it instead of that's what i wanted, going as far as to hand me a knife.

— i started closing myself off and distancing myself from them, i would also try asking them about certain things but then pulling away and trying to ask again. whenever they asked me if anything else happened to me, i would freeze and be unable to speak before telling them that nothing happened, that it's all my fault. i would ask for help but be unable to because i was scared, i was scared of being asked, of being ashamed, of being hurt, and tormented all at the same time.

— i would try and get my sister or my friends into what i had learned, telling them about it and all, thinking that it was only normal and fair because i learned it too.

— i started to "baby" my sister and even started regressing myself. i would do this in front of them all the time or literally just everywhere. i would ask my sister to pretend to be a baby and when she refused, i would start begging and crying for her to do so. i also started acting more childish, even pretending to be a baby myself, and becoming more and more clueless about everything. it was like my mind downgraded and everything started becoming more foggy to me. i can't really describe it but that's what happened. i also started being very inappropriate in public just like how i was when i was much younger, even in front of my friends at that time. this behavior stopped only when i was 12.

— due to what my uncle had done to me, memories of past SA's and me possibly getting groomed and reenacting it towards other male teachers started resurfacing. i would daydream about it all day, romanticizing what happened to me and thinking it would keep happening over and over again until i got 'saved', i also remember thinking i would be sold to some old man or woman (i don't know where i got this from) and being used over and over again until i would escape and be sent into some sort of hospital. but i would try and convince myself that this meant that they would love me and that i'd enjoy it. this is also the starting point of when i'd have very lewd dreams and sexually abusive thoughts of my crushes and thinking they'd do things to me and i would reciprocate that.

— i would also act out sexually towards my only reliable parent at that time, there was no other adult around me i deemed as 'safe' and so i always acted out towards them. this is one of my biggest shames as i did it both when they were awake and asleep, reenacting what i had seen online due to my uncle's negligence and him purposely letting me see sexually abusive content online for months under his care. i would also be really touchy and trying to reveal myself and all that, just really concerning things a child shouldn't be doing. i don't know how it was never fully noticed. this would only ever happen a few times though as i mostly would roleplay with adults online about it, if i couldn't find anyone to then i would try going on some weird interactive chats or ai bots. other ways was me acting sexual towards myself and my stuff toys to the point that i was sore and sometimes it burned from how painful it was. i remember thinking that this was all just normal, that i'll eventually feel better, that this weird ache and pain inside me would disappear as long as i did this. this was my way of processing what had happened to me and also me normalizing it because nobody was telling me it was wrong. i already had similar experiences of being assaulted (multiple times) in the past so this further made me normalize everything.

— i would try to “seduce” and act sexy towards older men around me, mostly strangers. we used to live in this apartment area and there was a building over there that was getting built by multiple men. i remember trying to be flashy, seductive, and tried getting them into me. it's disgusting to think about now. i also remember acting once again towards that reliable parent in front of them because we were outside and all of them were just chuckling about it.

— i mistook being sexual as a way to show love and violence as a way to solve problems. this was my mindset until i was 12. i didn't have a sense of boundaries until then, always letting my classmates touch me inappropriately—which is why ive gotten sexually assaulted multiple times throughout my highschool years. ive also never had a real crush due to the fact that i always thought having a relationship meant being sexual. i thought talking about these kinds of topics were normal and always engaged in it with my classmates, even if it was concerning kinds of stuff (because that is what i was mostly exposed to). i was also violent with my words, mimicking what my grandparents and uncles would say during their fights (which, i may add, was to the point of murder).

so basically my mindset was, it's only normal IF it happens to me, if it happens to anyone else then that isn't normal. if someone gets sa'd, they should get help for it. if it happens to me, i should just accept it. that's how fucked up my mindset was a few years ago.

my parents have asked me multiple times if my uncle did anything else towards me but i remember absolutely nothing, especially because most of my memories are blurry now. they are mostly concerned because i suddenly started dressing and acting masculine after what had happened, always covering myself up... honestly that concerns me too but even i myself don't know why i acted like that. i genuinely need someone to tell me my experiences were valid, that im not the only one like this.