I miss my ex, we only dated for a month and I feel extremely depressed.

I [20F] and my ex [20M] only dated for a month. And it felt like genuine bliss and happiness that I’ve never felt before.

We have had a rough start in our general relationship. He liked me ever since he met me in highschool, I didn’t notice. I had a boyfriend in the middle of it, he endured, I broke up with him, we start talking. He’s rejected me twice because he was unsure about our future since we were heading different paths. But it worked in April.

This man is genuinely so loving. He is so caring and the light in his eyes is something I’ve never seen before. The way he speaks and his expressive and handsome face is burned into my memory. Every bit of information about him is stored so vividly in my head. How can a man this amazing, genuine, loving and dedicated be so suicidal?

It broke my heart knowing he was mentally unwell. I still wanted to be with him because I loved him so much and I never had any intention of “fixing” him. I just loved him just to love him. He was my first everything, my first kiss (yes I never kissed my ex because he was avoidant), first makeout, first time having sex. We understood eachother so well in that area of physical attraction and touch which I loved and hoped for. I always stayed caring and attentive, messaged him every morning and night and midday.

He broke up with me randomly after a hangout with my friend group. He was distant for a week over messages and I got worried. His reasoning was because he doesn’t want to drag me into his problems of not wanting to live anymore. I’m heartbroken more over the fact that he doesn’t want to live, he thinks he deserves to be alone. He deserves everything life has to offer and MORE but he doesn’t think that way. I cared about him leaving me, but him wanting to end everything for himself made me cry. I just wanted to stay by his side but I also, relationship wise, it would kill me to stay friends knowing I will still love him and want to kiss and show affection. That’s when he suggested that we don’t stay friends and leave it at that.

I’m crying every single day for this man. I’ve had so many memories over the last years of being friends with him, and being in love with him and wondering if he loves me too. Our memories are so precious and beautiful, it’s killing me to look back. I’ll never forget him. Part of me wants him to drive back to my house and for him to regret ending things. I want him to call me and maybe set a date to work things out. I want him to message me saying he wants to be with me. Is that selfish? I think it is for me to think that way. But I’ve never loved a man so much like this it hurts so bad.

I’m going to work almost every single day to distract myself and I can’t. I’m quiet when I’m usually talkative and active. I miss you so much, B. I really do with my whole heart. I doubt you’ll ever find this but I needed to vent.