Type me (right now I am immensely unhealthy.)

MBTI: ISFJ

Age: 20 for almost 2 months

I am a very depressed 20 year old who is constantly worried about finances and feels lost in life. I am sincere. I’m likely moving into my third job soon, in August is when it’s supposed to start. I’m almost finished with the onboarding process and have two appointments left (I thought about it and switched both to have a sooner start date.) I turned down a different offer (in part because it’d have potentially conflicted with the time for the other job, but also due to the hours offered, though I’ve started to regret this and felt that I should have perhaps accepted it just so I could have had a second job, the hours hadn’t been attractive to me but I suppose it would’ve forced me to do something over June and July) and just reached out to someone who has been advertising that they have an opening right now for babysitting/nannying roles (got “Absolutely, thanks for reaching out! Please let me know some times you have available to chat this week or next week. Thanks!!” back) so depending on whether or not I receive an offer, I may work with them as well. I’m in community college, turned 20 almost two months ago. I quit my most recent job on 5/27. I feel so so very unimaginably lost in life, have $33k saved and am at home with family who have mental health problems, we may be kicked out this summer due to my mother’s screaming. I’m in the east bay and I am just so scared all the time. I’ve been thinking about switching majors, was told this may impact my financial aid eligibility since it’d impact my graduation timeline (would mean I was more likely to graduate in say 2026, may mean I’ll have to redo FAFSA.) I feel the need to make money make money. I have this itching urge to get a summer job of some sort, everything for me (the job I have lined up right now, my fall college courses) starts in August. I’m always a little bit tired and have no friends. I don’t know how to rebuild my life. I feel like I don’t even really know how to be an adult, how to cook and the like. I just know that I can feel the stress in my bones, in my body. I wonder if there’d be a way for me to move states and live comfortably. I feel like every decision I’ve made has been a bad one somehow. I never feel safe, I never feel happy. I feel like I am losing in life. I’ve just been crying all day today.

Earlier tonight, I was sitting and telling myself that I am a loser. That I am not winning in life in the way I should be. I’ve been freaking out because I feel as though a person can never really have enough money, especially not myself, living in an apartment complex like this. I’m physically exhausted at the moment and acknowledge on some level that I probably should just dedicate a week or so to self care. I will have a consistent babysitting gig over summer, working at least 2 hours a week and have another family who I know are in need of services. Though it has started to occur to me that I should likely try finding a job for June and July, even one I’d quit afterwards, just so that I can have something to do. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately, about how I need something to do surely. Something to do so that I don’t lose it. I have to admit that I’ve partly been upset due to revelations about a grandparent of mine, who apparently abused my mother and her sibling. I’ve had more time to process this as of late and have realized that I don’t know how to make sense of it. My grandparents were apart of my childhood, apart of my upbringing. I had known that my grandfather was abusive, hadn’t known a thing about grandma. I’ve been sad and stressed about it as of late because grandma was, though I’ve really not wanted to acknowledge it, apart of my childhood. She would sit with my sibling and I, tell us to read our bibles. She had me baptized. And I’ve known all about her for months, but now I have a little more time to think about it all, and it stresses me out. Though my day has also been difficult in part because earlier I finally just went ahead and took myself to McDonalds, though I’d really been holding off on it… and a man there actually slipped while ordering, he seemed to be having a seizure. I left after being handed my food (I had been staring, though I know it was likely technically impolite - a few other people were staring too.) An ambulance was called. I left because I was afraid, and disturbed. A cashier or employee had been smiling throughout the ordeal - I know people cope differently, but I just found myself thinking about how I can’t imagine nearly losing my life (he was trying to get up and couldn’t seem to, was shaking, he seemed to be an older man) in a setting like that. I actually cried about it earlier tonight. I have CPR and First Aid training but wouldn’t have known how to help him and knew this, which was why I didn’t try to step in. I had felt like vomiting while watching and thought I might. I remember being afraid while eating my food outside, feeling like I shouldn’t eat at all, a fear that I was going to choke. I actually really am still hoping that that man is okay. I wonder what his name was. I wonder how he felt, if his life flashed before his eyes. I wonder who knew him, who he was in school, what I could have done for him. I felt so sad for him seeing how powerless he was. The situation was also yet another that reminded me of why it’s a good thing that I’m not in healthcare, because I think I’d be too stressed to effectively support someone in a situation/position like that. I had still posted on social media a few hours after the fact about being happy today, alongside pictures (I was happy later on due to the sunshine, but also I think because seeing things like that can remind you of how important and special life can be.)

Overall, I’ve just been feeling like an absolute failure as of late, and it’s stressing me out. I had posted earlier today about how scary being an adult really is. I feel like I’m so behind in life all of a sudden and it really bothers me. Like, really bothers me. I know that I should really focus on improving my sleeping schedule and all but right now I just feel like… I don’t know. I feel directionless and lost. I have a 3.9 in community college and am starting to lean towards an Education major, but I just don’t know what I’m doing with myself anymore and it makes me so sad I can hardly get into it.

I have a very paranoid mother who likely does have undiagnosed mental health issues, accuses people of stalking her quite often. My entire family is unthinkably dysfunctional, my mother’s childhood could be compared in some ways to that of Precious from the novel “Push” by Sapphire.

Oddly enough earlier tonight I was thinking about how I want to marry and find/have a husband, maybe even soon. And I was thinking about how dumb that line of thinking really is, because someone as young as me is likely to divorce if I were to try going down that path. I couldn’t help myself though, couldn’t keep myself from romanticizing it. I think it’s because I was watching clips from the film “Man in the Moon” a little earlier today, and it had me thinking about how I could have potentially found myself marrying and having a baby around this time if I’d grown up in a different time period.

I haven’t been resting well or particularly happy during my time off. I could be using this as vacation time but instead I’m just deeply unhappy. I feel a lot of guilt and regret but I also just can’t help but feel like I’ve already destroyed my young life.

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