How do you make your relationship healthy?

Today, I found myself love bombing my boyfriend. And just last night, I was planning and listing things I’d tell him to make him feel good and fall in love with me more; just words that I don’t even mean.

Even when I’m opening up to him, I always see it as a performance so he can grow to be more empathetic towards me. But the thing is I don’t want to be like this anymore. I just want to be in a healthy relationship without the thought of him leaving me someday. You know when toxic SO’s project their insecurities to their partners when they’re doing it (e.g. cheating) themselves? I feel like that every time. I always feel like I have to have the upper hand in our relationship or else I’d get hurt so bad if I lose control. I don’t want to feel like this anymore I just want to love someone purely and honestly.

And I am afraid someday that I am going to lash out because of my insecurities like I always do and he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.