first just sex. then relationships. now everything

i (21f) always knew i checked out during sex. never could control it, not even when i really loved and desired the person. i thought maybe they were just bad at it. i masturbated frequently and that worked out for me. but then, due to some traumatic circumstances, i decided to be celibate. took ssri’s for a while and kind of just fixated on the past, virtually zero libido. i quit the ssri’s but still didn’t really want to date anyone or meet anyone new. but i wanted to experience pleasure again. i started masturbating, or trying to. i had done so successfully in the past. but for the past year or so every time i tried, even while aroused and ready and doing everything right, i would immediately check out and could literally never feel the physical pleasure i was supposed to feel. like NOTHING. i felt absolutely nothing. believe me i tried over and over. blamed the ssri’s. i still could technically get aroused, sometimes, though. so that gave me hope. i thought maybe it was because i needed another person to help me heal my intimacy issues. so i started seeking a partner. two people i actually liked but they both rejected me, and i can accept that. the others i tried, but as soon as things got physical i realized that i was checking out again. and thought “oh i’m not attracted to them” so stopped seeing them. but i don’t think that’s it. i think there’s something seriously wrong with me now. even when with someone i was attracted to previously, it’s like seeing them in real life and being physical and dating them makes me check out. and when i say “check out”, i mean completely numb and don’t remember who i am anymore. completely disconnected from myself, and this horrible awkward silence when i actually have so much to say when i’m on my own. i also don’t get aroused at all anymore, ever, and i’m not on ssri’s anymore. i quit them a year ago, and went from relatively normal libido to none at all. what’s scarier though, to me, is that it’s not just in romantic or sexual contexts anymore. i kind of feel numb everytime i go out. i check out everywhere. even places i used to love, like stores related to my interests, i become completely numb and forget why i even cared about anything in the first place. it’s so frustrating. i have the desire to do things, but once the time comes to do them, to show up in the world, whenever the time comes for me to relish the feeling of something…i just can’t. i feel incapable of experiencing pleasure if it is in the presence of others. i thought even maybe i’m just a closeted lesbian, but it doesn’t work with women either, trust me i tried. i know people say they’re afraid of being perceived, but this isn’t like fear. this is like my body making decisions without my consent. and it makes me profoundly depressed when i’m alone. all i want is to live in the moment, appreciate life, process what is happening as it is happening and i can’t. i was okay with maybe not being able to be present during sex, i could live with that, but this feels too hard. it all feels too hard. i haven’t had a relationship in 3 years. every time i try to date someone, i feel absolutely nothing. and i know i’m not asexual, because when i’m alone everything i think and feel is different. i just can’t be myself around people, out in the world…and it’s honestly terrifying at this point. if someone could please help me understand what is happening somehow i would really appreciate it.