42m 31f different ethnicities long standing married issues

TL;DR

This is going to be difficult to sum up. Our next option is possibly marriage counseling because there's 8 years of content and I know we can't be doing all that here, but be warned this is a bit lengthy.

We met online. She had just lost her father from cancer & had a lot of trouble coping with it. Like her not wanting to live. Completely distraught over any reminder of it for at least a few years. She comes from a cultural background (I'm American she's Lebanese) and from my understanding the death of her father is a collapse of the family. Despite probably not having ample time to move on, we had some great first dates and getting to know each other.

As time went on I discovered she was physically and verbally abused by her much older brother from a young age. The father would try to kick him out but the mother wouldn't allow it and would bring the whole family into the ordeal. She also had an older brother murdered on the street when she was around 6. There was no doubt a lot of tension in the home growing up.

While first meeting, She was in the middle of a domestic case from her brother beating her, her mom, and sister. After about 3 months of seeing how poor her homelife was I pretty much insisted she move in with me. I lived with just my dog, had no real stressors, gainfully employed, no children.

At first things were amazing. But they've slowly gotten to the point where I'm not sure what even happened. I feel she has little respect for advice offered or important decisions. Very oppositional. 95% of the time I feel like I'm using good sound family judgement & leadership. If anything ever goes wrong I'm always ready to jump in and save the day. Consider myself very competent in a lot of areas. I work hard, do all our home & vehicle repairs & maintenance, and come from a god fearing respectful military family. I rarely saw conflict in the home growing up. I'm sure it occurred like any home, but my parents were great at keeping it private.

In my wife's defense, she can be a really great girl. She has tried hard to stabilize our relationship, counseling for example from her rough upbringing. She was prescribed medication on the diagnosis of bipolar schizophrenia. It helps, but she does still flip out on me over things that shouldn't be. Once she smashed an air frier I bought as a gift to make meal prep easier, as she was expecting a romantic gift not a practical one. She replaced it after calming down. Many times she's accused me of cheating when I've never even entertained the thought. She smashed my phone with a hammer because according to her, since she bought it as a gift for me, that it was hers. Felt bad then fixed that too. We bought a sectional couch and had a heated argument shortly after. My response to these are to usually take off, take a drive and clear my head. I've tried staying quiet at home or taking a long shower etc but she would continue egging me on so I just leave now. When I returned this time, she had taken a lighter and singed parts all over the sectional. Once she went through my face book posts and saw that I was flirting with a girl way before I ever knew her. It infuriated her and she insisted I then bring up all my Facebook friends who were girls and explain in detail how I knew them all. I maintain a school and of course there's a lot of female teachers who she's given me trouble once just because we smiled and said have a great night or simply because they exist.

I know this all sounds wild but it's almost like she can't control her emotions and since she's had a seriously bad and abusive past I feel bad for her and try to understand what it must be like living with what seems to be a form of ptsd. & like I said she will normally apologize and try to correct what went crazy. Most of the heated fights we've had, to me, didn't even seem like they warranted anywhere near these kind of reactions.

At first I wanted kids & a family with her. We are now going on 8 years and she's pressuring me a lot. Problem is, even though fighting has improved, I'm having a lack of intimacy from all the fights and things said. They're unpredictable and I can't bring kids into this world under those conditions. I'm desperate for improvement and hanging on for it because obviously I love her.

I also worry about my future children's safety. For example we have an old pit bull. Biggest sweetheart of a dog never hurt a fly but she would constantly upset him making him growl by an assortment of things mainly darting in his face or laying on top of him or even growing back only because he was expressing being uncomfortable with her actions by letting out mild growls. She might even keep it up until he was about snarling and she would then yell at him for it. Every single day 10 times a day we would have not kind words over it. This went on for several years before he eventually bit her in the face. She said he had something was in his eye so she was trying to blow it out. This is just one example of poor judgment that could put future children at risk. If i cant get her to understand basic risks and dangers its impossible trusting her with children. I've also saved her life, literally, on at least a few occasions over preventable things.

Now, as far as her family treating her poorly, mainly her brother, she will be as nice as possible with them. Buying them items, driving them everywhere, even took her brother's GED test for him online so he "could get a job", to which he never has had. She would rather buy for them instead of resolve her long-standing credit card debt (we keep our finances separate for reasons like this). She was on my ass at one point to finance a house but when we got into the process it turned out her credit report alone disqualified us.

It seems our relationship is so up and down that I'm worried it's becoming a loss. As mentioned, she can be amazing in a lot of ways, but with all the shit we have been through I'm not sure we can proceed.

I told her tonight that I'm tired of having to fight to lead us and a possible family in the right direction. That I am her husband, not her sibling, and I won't stand for any more needless conflict.

It's really difficult knowing her heart is big yet she struggles with trama and illness. That probably makes this the hardest of all ?

Thanks for listening