Run Out the Clock

Chris,

I think I've officially, officially, officially run out the clock on any of the ways I thought this could properly end.

Any of the ways where there would be an explanation, proper closure to all of it so I could mark the end of that part of my life. A ritual transformation to transition me to the next stage.

That it was an experiment, or a test, or treatment. Where I might be able to go back. Where I might be able to see any of you again.

I know it's probably an unhealthy obsession I have with seeing you all specifically. Especially you Chris. I know it's not really about any of you. I just...

There was the "war" and I guess that ended with the breadcrumbing and some rewiring in my brain. My finally and fully seeming to accept in my mind that, no actually, this is not romantic, this is not appropriate, this is abuse. That it felt like I had been trafficked. Being able to say that, even if it was only typed out, that made it real.

I just don't understand why you would make me think there could ever be a relationship there. Make me think we could "do it again." All the music, even the breadcrumbs, makes it sound like there would be an end.

There's still the 20 year deadline, but I can't just sit around forever and wait and hope to get answers.

But after the "end of the war" I realized how much hanging on to this was damaging the relationships I do have, however few. It was hurting my family. So I stopped, for the most part. Stopped searching for you and for answers. Stopped engaging in this fantasy that you loved me. I still wrote here of course, but I also mostly stopped leaving the house so I wouldn't have to deal with any new abusers.

But there's no end to it. I'm always going to have this paranoia and this feeling of being watched and this awful network of surveillance and abusers. I'm never again going to be able to trust that a stranger going out of there way to interact with me isn't some secret terrorist who knows exactly how to hurt me. Even people I "know" (which isn't many) any extra attention they pay me, if they recommend music or something I'm always going to be afraid of these alterior motives, that they are somehow using me, manipulating me.

I had NO ONE. And now I probably never will. Not that I can truly fully trust.

How am I supposed to have any real relationships now?