I've come to realise that I have subconsciously considered "asking for help" to be a crime.

I am a 21F university student in my final year. I had just submitted my thesis two weeks ago, after a grueling, miserable 18-week project period that left me questioning my mental wellbeing. I will summarise it aptly: it has been pretty shit, and the end product also turned out to be half-finished slop and abysmal dogshit.

From the start of the project period, I have been struggling greatly with procrastination. That was my own problem, but one of the major reasons for my stress that eventually leads to me putting off my work is having no clue on anything about my project, or how to write a thesis. The coordinating professor had given us a briefing on the structure of the thesis, so I know the five main chapters to be written, but what contents do I actually write?

This answer would probably be easily answered if I had thought to ask my project teammates what they wrote, or the postgraduate student guiding us, or our supervising professor; really, a lot of my lack of experience could have been cleared up if I had just asked for help. But, I didn't. Instead, I chose to hide my problems - I lied to my classmates about my progress on my thesis, and I basically didn't talk with my professor for the entire project period.

Looking back, this was one of, if not the nail in the coffin for my thesis. Because I couldn't admit to my peers that I was struggling, the thesis was now my problem to figure out, and I could not figure it out on my own, and after being frustrated at how unapproachable it was, I'd put it off, and this cycle would repeat. I was in a downward spiral of guilt, and only managed to put out *something* for the final product, because I'd rather produce something rather than nothing.

If anyone heard the full length of what I had done during this project, they'd ask me why I never asked anyone for advice. Even my parents called me out for not realising early on that I needed help. After some self-searching (done in the shower, of all places), I came to realise that I never asked for help because I thought it would bring me ridicule.

That sounds weird, and I know it is a weird thought, but to me, I shouldn't need to ask for help in the first place, because "I'm the one who always absorbs new things easily and can do things by herself". If I had to ask for help or guidance on something, that meant the subject matter may not be something I can easily absorb, and I need some pointers or examples I am a fucking dumbass who has fallen off after having it easy in high school.

In my mind, if I asked my classmates to share what they wrote in their thesis, they would give me the stink eye for not knowing how to write my own, or ask if I am trying to copy their writing.

In my mind, if I asked my supervising professor how I can write my thesis, he would yell at me for not knowing how to write it by myself.

In my mind, if I didn't know how to do something, it is my fault, and I should just try harder instead of crying about not knowing how to do it, because I'll figure it out eventually.

Perhaps it sounds dramatic, but looking back, this is literally what I thought whenever I was agonizing over not knowing how to write my thesis. Every time, without fail, these unspoken fears would hold me back from asking my peers for advice. This isn't a matter of pride; I literally saw the simple act of "asking for advice" to be illegal.

It's a shame that I didn't realise this earlier about myself, and even now, I don't really know what to do about this. I'm not sure if I want to trauma dump all this to my campus counselor, because this feels like something beyond the scope of what a counselor works with.

One thing I know, however, is that I should find a way to break out of this thinking, especially if I end up having to redo the project, because if I keep being afraid of having to ask for help, I will never be able to put out a good thesis, no matter who I have as my professor.