How do you move on from something you can’t reason or justify?

So often with suicide you see “at least they’re free from pain” or “they fought their mind for a long time” or “they did the best they could” or “they lived through so much abuse at least they’re at peace now” etc etc etc all the platitudes

I can’t reconcile with any of it because in my mind he was a vivacious, young and healthy man with his whole world in front of him. An idyllic childhood and a family of his own (that I thought he loved and adored). He was intelligent, financially stable, charismatic and kind. If he DID fight mental illness secretly behind closed doors, than he should have been an actor and received an Oscar- because there was not even a hint of an iota of pain. Just boundless optimism.

Did he have PTSD from his last deployment just weeks before he passed? Can one even develop PTSD that quickly? And how could it even take down someone so stable so swiftly? It just doesn’t add up to me.

I’ve posted a lot here, I’ve referenced the note. But I just can’t reconcile any of it. It doesn’t make sense. I can’t make it make sense. I can’t move on from a past and memories I don’t even trust anymore because none of that can be real if this is now my reality. I can’t be happy. I can’t get out of this black hole that constantly trips me up as I try to move forward because I didn’t keep him alive. Because he didn’t trust me as his confidant. Because at the end of the day he looked at a future with me and a noose and chose death.

I can’t live with this weighing on my shoulders for decades. I’ve officially now parented our son alone for more than half his life. He’s left me an actual lifetime pain since he left me so young into your story. I wasn’t even 30 years old for fucks sake. Life was good and it was only going to get better.

Now I’m watching my friends and family live their dream lives. Getting married and having babies. Their lives are golden. Not marred by tragedy and mine is over.

I need peace. I cant leave my children and I also can’t live with my reality