I'm so lost (tw suicide)

For a while I thought I was gay or bi or straight but never once did I think aroace. I've dated both and never felt love. Actual romance. I'm in a relationship right now and I'm pleading it works because I need love. I have no serious attraction to her. We just ended up talking and now she's my other half but, there is no substance. No base. Nothing in common. Just "love you" texts every so often. And it's like, did I ever have attraction in the first place. I crave a loving relationship. I do love her but I'm not crazy for her like a cute guy I see on the street. Tbh? I just feel like a fat ugly fuck with standards that are set too high. All I want is kind and goodlooking. But I guess that sounds like I'm ordering a whole goddamn menu of things to some people. But that feeling is never there. That fluttering. That feeling your heart beating. Like love. I'm just so sad and lonely. All I want is love is that too much to ask? Listen to me blabbering like a fucking moron. I probably sound crazy. Just a relationship. Holy fuck. Who gives a shit anyway. This post is gonna decend to the depths of this reddit where it will never be seen. Why the fuck am I writing this? Because for some reason my subconscious still has a glimmer of hope some will care. Give advice. Give me that false sense of happiness even if only for a little bit. I like the quote " I died a long time ago. Even if my body is still here " this everlasting loneliness is fucking killing me. The quote is true. I died a long time ago and all that's left is this bitter angry hateful ugly stupid fat fuck. I used to be a good person before I realized that I was nothing and all I'll ever amount to is a statistic on the suicide or overdose yearly rate. I'm nothing.