Found huge amounts of Asian porn on my boyfriend’s (29M) laptop and I (26F) don’t know how to process it

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective on this because I honestly feel sick and so confused.

My boyfriend and I been together for about a year. We’re both white, and we’ve always had this open phone/laptop policy, it’s nothing formal, just trust. Sometimes I’ll grab his phone to text myself a photo he’s taken or look something up if mine’s dead. It’s never been weird.

A few days ago, he left for work after staying over at mine and texted me that he’d forgotten his laptop, could I charge it .. bla bla etc. Fast forward I opened it up and… it was just full-on really graphic Japanese porn. Like, really graphic and crass stuff. I thought maybe it was just a random ad or pop-up, or just a curious moment but then I made the mistake of going into the history. There were hundreds of links.

Some days had dozens and dozens of searches like JAV with random numbers, some really obscene porn searches for things like (schoolgirl/noncon) and specific Japanese female names. I have no idea what these mean, and the thought that he has them memorized to google search them makes me sick. Once I started, I couldn’t stop and I kept going older and deeper into his history, and it’s all the same, almost daily searches and countless watched videos and searches each time.

There were Google searches for “can makeup make girls look Asian” and even worse, a lot of older searches from before we met about “how to date Asian women in my area” and Asian-only dating sites.

It’s not like I have a problem with porn, in general. We don’t live together full time. I stay over at his, he stays over at mine, we have a set of our belongings at eachothers places (even though we’ve started to talk about moving in once our leases end). So I get if he wants to watch something. Not gonna lie, I’ve watched things too, this isn’t about the concept of porn. We’ve even watched a few things together and it was fun. But this wasn’t just a casual glance. It’s obsessive. Specific. Almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. And it’s all tiny, hairless, Japanese women with soft, small features and bodies. The complete opposite of me.

I’m tall (5’9), with light brown wavy hair and have stronger features (my heavy visual weight girls know) and I’ve always been a bit insecure about that on my bad days, but I can say I usually feel confident overall. He has always said he loves my height and that he finds me beautiful. He even said he liked my new bangs that I had done at my most recent haircut, which hurts now because I remembered him mentioning how he “loves straight dark hair with bangs” before which is why I got them cut. It’s like… now I feel like I’ve unknowingly been playing into this fantasy.

I feel sick. Like I’m not what he wants deep down. Like I’m some placeholder until he finds the fantasy girl. And it’s so confusing because he’s seriously been the best boyfriend I’ve ever had, kind, fun, caring, we’re like best friends, we’ve done so many things together and basically share the exact same hobbies.

He surprises me all the time, we watch shows and cook dinner and giggle about the same silly things we’ve watched. I’ve introduced him to my family. I’ve even met his parents multiple times and have a really great relationship with his sisters. He’s always been so open and honest and we have amazing communication and so little arguments.

Our sex life has always been great. He’s more kinky than me, sure, but I’ve always been up to trying new things and have had a lot of fun and he’s always super caring. He’s never made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

This, however , has just hit me like a truck. I feel like I’m being compared to something I can never be. I feel incredibly vulnerable and shaken. I don’t know whether to bring it up or how to even start. I feel guilty for looking at the history. I’m just so thrown off.

How do I communicate about this without sounding insecure or accusatory? I don’t even want to bring it up honestly, I feel like ignoring it because everything else has been so perfect.

I love him and since the start have thought he might be the one. We genuinely feel like soulmates. But right now, I feel numb and I don’t know what to do.