AIO - Don't screw the crew.

To pre-empt this, I know I'm not over-reacting here (HAHA). But I kinda wanted to get pen to paper (or keyboard to reddit I guess).

Here's the Story.....

I've been married for just shy of 10 years (not anymore), and had an affair with a co-worker in the job I work at. Something I now deeply regret. The affair lasted around 5-6 months before my wife at the time found out. We worked through some stuff and tried to make it work. However, I found myself in a position where I had strong feelings for this other person.

There was a turning point in my life, where I turned around and said to the other person it had to end, so I can work on my relationship. At which point she finally confessed how she felt about me (I had a gut feeling she had felt that way, but had been keeping it locked away in order to "be ok" once the affair ended). That didn't happen, after my wife and I agreed to work on things, this other woman came to me and said

" I don't want to lose you, you've changed my life - and I like you alot more than I've been letting on. CHOOSE ME".

I always knew that if she said this to me, I would choose her, and while I know now that I shouldn't have - after a few days I did. My wife at the time, collared me after I'd been out with friends on a sunday morning and said "I can't do this anymore, its too hard on me".

The night before I had been with this other person and had told her I was going to end my marriage for her, but told her it would be a long process and we'd both go through alot of emotions etc, including neediness, intensity etc, and that the feeling of excitement would disappear over time, and to work and put effort in to make it work.

Queue a bunch of dates, while I lived at my parents house for 3/4 months. A couple of nights spent together, including out for her birthday, an apartment to get away from family (most of which paid by me, because it's what I've always done).

After around 3 months, I noticed a small change in her towards me, and being the person I am I picked up on it immediately. I let it sit a little bit, but after a week or so, of what I'd call indifference I hit her up, to find out what was wrong and what was going on. To only be told promptly and defensively, that I'm over thinking it, and that she's "not going anywhere". that was the last date we went on for a month (we both have kids -50% custody for me, and she has 100% custody, with family help on alternating weekend).

She's a very social person, and has a good group of friends. Been single for a long time, and was in the "this is all new for me, relationships aren't something I'm used to, but I'll get there".

Anyways, I moved house finally, got my own space and gave early warning that we should spend time together. I got a simple "Not sure, I have my kid - but I can let you know" The day came, I moved in and chilled out. I messaged early afternoon to ask if she was coiming, and got the same answeer. When I pushed I finally got a "no" (zero explanation, but I assumed kids got in the way). I was annoyed and upset, and being the honest person I am I told her how not committing to me made me feel, and if you can't do it just say so rather than making me wait or hold on. She got defensive again, but agreed, that we needed to put effort in, and that it would be ok, because we had a proper date planned next weekend, that she'd stay the night and we'd have a few drinks before going out etc.

We went to a gig, late night had a few drinks, and I felt like we were having a good time, dancing drinking and stuff - but I did feel like there was something off. I could feel the energy from her end.

Around 1:00am she randomly runs into a group of friends I hadn't met (i have no reason to believe this was planned or anything). They then went to the toilets for a good period of time while I talked to the partners of one of them. When they come back out ,the energy is waaaaay different again. I'm made to feel like I shouldn't be there, at which point I'm promptly told that this is now a "girls night" and I should just go home (her friends words), my girl said nothing. I was standing there dumbfounded wondering wtf was going on.

Obviously I was like no, hang on you're here with me, this isn't a thing. she finally said this is what she wanted to do. That she wanted to spend time with her friends. Then came the long argument at the gig, in which her friend did 90% of the talking with her looking down visibly upset, but still making the same decision.

After a 15-20 minute conversation I left the gig in tears caught an uber and then didn't sleep pretty much the rest of the night, knowing what I'd tried to create was essentially over. she slept at this friend shouse and when I tried to contact her nothing (she parked up my new driveway, blocking me in).

I got bored around 2pm the next day of waiting, and walked to the store for hangover cures, and found her at the end of my driveway talking to a mutual friend on the phone. Walked back inside, to talk and was essentially told the following.

"I don't feel the same way that I did about you before, I've felt like this for about a month (a f88king month), it was too much pressure to make this work. She said sorry for the night before's decision, and said "it wasn't my proudest moment" (not her first time making dumb choices to be clear).

Didn't get much more out of her, even when I said I knew it was coming (not that its not a gut punch still).

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for context some timeframes and some red flags i pretty much ignored (easy to do when you feel strongly for someone)

* We work together FYI - so that's fun.

* First flirting touching affair - August

* First night sleeping together (supposed to be sex only) - September
(bear in mind we both agreed it was the best sex of our lives)

* Further nights and time together between September to January

* Wife finds messages early December.

* Christmas work do, same energy as the other week (not even seeing each other properly), I'd booked a hotel to stay in, and she backed out on the night, then proceed to ignore me most ofthe night but tried to have fun in the toilet at a co-workers place.

* Her main group of friends are much younger, and they seem to enjoy staying out until 7-8am the next morning.

* Inability to make commitment around plans (I kinda felt like an option).

* Around the time of the change in energy, she started to call me needy, because i wanted to kiss her.

I feel pretty stupid having done what I've done, and I guess karma is paying me back.

She's been told no contact and that if im ready to talk or be friendly I'll reach out (which she ignored after like 3 days by trying to talk to me at work). She was politely told to f88k off.

so yeah that's my story, I don't care if people say anything, but i just wanted to share really - I'm in a pretty bad place right now, but im going one day at a time (my gym routine has gone mental, so I'm gonna be shredded LOLOL).

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