AITA for doing something for my dad’s birthday but not my moms

M25 and mom is F45.

Things have been rough ever since I finished grad school and came back home. I knew my parents relationship had been “rough” over the last few years and that my dad was on the shit end of the stick but never knew how bad since I was away in school. My sister told me stories but so far away there was only so much I could do.

Fast forward I’ve been living back home for about a year to save up some money post college and it’s been a mess. My mother constantly treats my dad and I like were some types of nuisance. Any chance to try and talk to her is met with “I’m busy, what do you want” or “I’m not mentally ready to talk right now” but in all honesty its like this for a year now.

She bad mouths my dad to her friends ( even though my father pays for her to live there, her car, and supports her business with his funds) and then has him bending over backwards at a moments notice to do anything she wants. She stays out every night well past 11:30pm-12:30am so now I don’t even see her. I’ve told my dad this needs to stop, he had a long talk with me and I think the talk made him realized he wanted a divorce.

Because my mom has been so stand off ish we didn’t do anything for her birthday ( we did buy her a cake to cut, a card and offered to take her to dinner but she wasn’t even home for that). She went away for Mother’s Day as well, flew to San Fran for a work meeting that she told us was optional but went anyway.

Things kinda blew up yesterday when we celebrated my dads birthday. She asked me if she was a bad mom, screaming at me saying she was the one that raised me not him etc etc etc.

During this whole time my relationship with her has been touch and go. It I’m nice she treats me like shit and if I don’t speak to her she tries to be extremely nice. It’s a back and forth with my emotions that I need to cut out as it’s very stressful not knowing what version of your mom you’re gonna get that day. So I’ve really been not speaking with her much, yesterday was our first talk and she came at me screaming. Told her we can talk when she’s calmed down. I don’t even know what to think. Am I not being empathetic enough? Am I being an asshole?