iso good resources for working with deflection in couples' therapy

i primarily work with couples, and have been seeing an increasing number of cases that involve at least one partner who seems to deeply rely on deflection to cope with shame and/or maintain control. i have watched a client contradict themselves 3 or 4 times in a row, seemingly as a way to deflect their parter's valid feedback and avoid taking accountability.

generally with individuals i find this sort of behavior a little easier to confront and work with, because there's no audience. we can go slow and there's no immediate triangulation happening in session. but i've noticed that clients tend to double-down and just keep escalating when their partner is present, especially when the topic at hand is the relationship. it gets very tricky to balance because while i recognize deflection as shame-based behavior, past a certain point it's also lying and manipulation. (i do know how to screen for and recognize abuse, and am referring to this specific pattern happening in dynamics where the deflector has the control, even when they are CONVINCED they do not).

i admit i sometimes play a little bit of hardball and will just point out the inconsistency. that works with some people, with less severe/entrenched behaviors. but i've noticed that a lot of clients who really pathologically engage in deflection also have narcissistic traits and react to being called out, even kindly, with increased gaslighting and/or rage. they usually will try to invalidate me or attack me in response.

i think part of where i get stuck in these dynamics is balancing both clients' needs. usually these chronic deflectors are manipulating their partners, and part of the intervention of me calling the behavior out directly is to support the manipulated partner in gaining more awareness of the behavior. but i also feel like i need to get better at connecting with the partner who is doing the deflecting. i want to be able to build rapport with their protectors (i am training in IFS), so i accomplish more than just opening their partner's eyes to the bad behavior, as that often seems to trigger deep shame and reactivity for the deflector. but i also feel like there are real stakes for the other partner to me going too slow or being too coddling of the person who is deflecting and not taking accountability.

in couples' therapy, i often feel like there's a tension between using more structural and directive work vs. rogerian, non-confrontational work. i need the directive structure to hold boundaries and the person-centered titration to accomplish trauma integration and differentiation. i want to get better at being structured/directive AND person-focused simultaneously, and it's really hard!

emotionally-focused couple's therapy and working on my affect/tone seem like avenues to explore more, but i feel like i at least need some kind of add-on i'm not aware of yet for working with the more personality-disordered clients i see. i would be really interested to hear how other folks thread this needle, especially people who also work with couples primarily.