How do you manage attachments and is it even possible to have a secured attachment style?

Does anyone here ACTUALLY have a secured attachment style? —-I am still trying to understand my attachment style. Possibly, I am anxious avoidant or disorganized. I have given up on relationships for a while now. But the ones I had, I always wanted them at first, and when I had it, I wanted to run away so bad. But once it was gone, I wanted it again. However, the need to want it back would go away soon and I would become happy with my own independent existence. Now I dream of having an ideal relationship, but the thought of actually having it sends me down a spirals of what ifs? Can you guys help me understand the difference in attachment styles by giving your own personal examples? Thanks!