Husband cheated 2 years ago and I found out now

I 26/F got married to my husband 28/M about 3 months ago. We were in a relationship for 2+ years before that. He ended his previous relationship on bad terms as his ex had a bad temper and they had a toxic relationship. He told me he had blocked her and she blocked him too, everywhere. 6 months after we began our relationship, she came up to me and said she spoke to him and that he said he was not doing well with his health/career. I didn’t believe her but when I confronted him he told me that he did speak to her. I was disappointed that he hid this from me and told him never to hide anything from me and that I would understand whatever it is. We had a great relationship with ups and downs but grew so much stronger in love and even after marriage.

Fast forward to now, yesterday I came across a few emails exchanged between them, that were from almost 2 years ago, in between July 2023 - October 2023. We were having a few rough days here and there during this time but we were still together. The emails were mostly from him to her, asking her to take him back. She replied the first time asking him to break our ‘stupid relationship’ and move on with someone else and that she is not going to respond to him anymore. He still kept emailing her for months after that. He told her that the fact that he cannot be with her is the reason he surrendered to me and our relationship, calling our relationship stupid and worthless. He said even if he was married to me he would still crave her. He told her for her, he would leave his parents and move in with her and her family. He took a picture of a toy she had gifted and sent her saying he regrets everything with me and realised her worth, that he badly misses her and keeps talking to the toy about them.

When I confronted him, he said that he used to email her when things were bad between us. When we used to fight a lot and it felt like we were going to break up. He said that he only did that because he had an option to leave if it didn't work. And then said he later realised that we could make things work and realised my worth and how stupid he was to email his ex. He said once he realized and matured, he was a changed man and never contacted her again.

Although this was almost 2 years ago, I'm unable to trust him anymore. He says there is nothing else he is hiding, but I can't ever know how many more times he had texted her or spoken to her. He only confessed after I found out. He seemed very apologetic and guilty and cried yesterday seeing me hurt. He had been a really good boyfriend/husband too. But I can’t help but feel humiliated in front of her. Imagine her seeing our wedding pictures on our Instagram and laughing at me because he emailed her 2 years ago while still with me, saying she is the one he wants? I feel extremely disrespected, disappointed and embarrassed.

He promised her the world in his emails. Was ready to have a private life without his parents. Was ready to marry her without dowry. But me? His parents and relatives humiliated my parents for dowry, my parents still agreed with their heads down because I loved him. We are living with his parents because he cannot afford to pay rent right now. But for her, he promised to and was ready to leave everything. I have sacrificed my dreams to settle abroad, my ideologies of female empowerment and every wish I had for this man. All to end up in a stereotypical Indian household, after shattering everything I ever wanted. He says now that it’s only out of emotions he acted out and made those promises to her. Last night he promised me we will move out in a couple of months. Now is this out of emotions or does he mean it? Either way, I can’t look at him and feel the same about him anymore.

I want to get a divorce. But I can't because families are involved. I really wish it was easy to divorce. Now I'm stuck in this life forever. A life that I never wanted but sacrificed for him. A life that I cannot escape from.

Is it reasonable for him to email her during those rough patches we had? He was also simultaneously showing love to me when those rough patches ended. His first email to her was 2 days after my birthday. And during those months, we even celebrated his birthday and our 1 year anniversary. I had so many surprises for him during this time. He said he thought we would break up. So was I just an option to him while I was just pouring into him? He says it’s normal for people to grow apart in love and that’s what happened back then when he emailed her. I have no idea how many other times he spoke to her. What if he met her other times or slept with her?? What if he secretly still loves her and is only with me because he can’t have her. What do I do?