My best friends left me because I was a liar and I don’t know how to keep going

I feel so small and disgusting. My best friends cut me off in February for a plethora of reasons, all leading back to the fact that I lie or don't tell the whole truth in order to avoid confrontation. I've fucked up so much. The guilt keeps me awake at night even still, and the friends that have stayed in my life don't believe me. They think I'm a victim of the situation, no matter what I tell them. They think I was abused into being afraid to tell the truth, but I'm honestly just pathetic and I was afraid of disappointing them or making them upset, and that wasn't their fault.

I don't know how to make them believe me that I'm a bad person. I don't know why I want to make them believe me. I feel like every day I'm living a lie. I can't keep doing this. I just want the truth to exist, I don't deserve any of these good things and nobody understands. I want to leave, but I'm a coward and I could never do anything. I've never felt so low in my life. Everyone in my major hates me. I've ruined my own life by being a lying piece of shit, and I don't know how to see any brightness.

I feel like I'm being too honest now, and everyone is annoyed and disturbed by me. I can't be happy. I can't be anything. I hate myself and I don't know how to deal.