Over it

I want somebody to read this but I’m basically just venting right now. I’m 23 years old with 4 kids ages 4, 2, 1, and 2 week old. I work to pay bills and I don’t ever have enough to support myself or kids. I had so many kids just to trap my babymomma just so she won’t leave me and i went through too many break ups. She still cheats, but I can’t say anything because she gets food stamps and section 8. But without that I could barely take care of myself. There is people doing 10x better than me that’s not government assistance and it makes me embarrassed. I work a 6-4:30 and still never have money . I’m on probation for defending my mother but I drugs to still just to pay bills. I both of my parents are useless. And nun of my family cares to want to help and that’s mainly my fault. I don’t have any skills or nothing just a highschool graduate. Now I have became an alcoholic at 23 because I have terrible anxiety. I used to be an inpatient at Nortons hospital because of my anxiety. I’m socially awkward and can’t have regular conversations. My girlfriend won’t work and she is 3 years older than me so I’m the only income. Every time I think something is going good it goes bad . I really want to kill myself but I’m scared of the after life and because it would be selfish for my kids . IM LOSING MY MIND! and I can’t afford health insurance to go to a therapist. I want to get help but if I go away then my kids will go to a foster home because no one can care for them . But I’m getting to the breaking point where I just want to kill myself and say FUCK ALL OF THIS !!! I’ve never had a father/father figure. I’m begging for help . Not financial but mentally. But this is all I’m going to say , I’m sorry for going on a rant. Idk yet if this is my suicide note but if it is . I’m deeply sorry to anybody I did this too💔