If you find abstaining from PMO difficult and a struggle, then you’re doing it wrong

The title might sound controversial, but after practicing this for about nine years, it has proven to be one of the most important insights I've come to. Haven’t been very active in this forum in recent years, but one clear thing is the prevailing belief that struggle and effort are the keys to happiness and success. That is nothing but a misconception.

Before I go further, I want to say that one of the most powerful tools during these years has been meditation, practiced consistently. There's nothing flashy about it: 15–20 minutes each morning after coffee, followed by a few regular “check-ins” throughout the day. I might increase the time a bit going forward, but honestly, even 15 minutes is more than enough to gain significant insight into how the mind and consciousness function. These insights can be incredibly helpful when it comes to staying away from PMO. That said, the realizations cultivated through meditation are often deep and far-reaching, and a reduced interest in porn, masturbation, and orgasm tends to emerge as a welcome side effect.

What becomes clear through meditation is that our minds tend to run on autopilot, and most people have little to no control over their inner experience. In the context of PMO, this means that when we eventually give in to porn and wonder why we lack willpower, it’s not really about willpower at all. It’s more about the mind being untrained, and the truth is, we probably “gave in” hours or even days before the actual relapse. Maybe we managed to stay away for a few days. Then something happens and we feel shame or anxiety, and suddenly thoughts about PMO start creeping in. After a while, more thoughts come and go. Maybe we catch ourselves objectifying people on the street. Then we stumble upon a provocative Instagram account and eventually, we relapse. What also becomes clear is that even if we do manage to abstain from PMO despite intense cravings, there’s a significant risk of a heavy psychological cost. The effort of constantly resisting can consume so much mental and emotional energy that it ends up dominating our entire lives. We may not give in to PMO, but the suffering can still be overwhelming.

This pattern is incredibly common and nothing to be ashamed of. But it also makes it obvious that willpower alone doesn’t stand much of a chance here. What we need is the ability to become aware of what’s happening in the mind and to consistently train ourselves not to react to every impulse. This way, we don’t even have to entertain the first thought, and we stop it at the gate before it takes hold. And when that happens, abstinence becomes surprisingly easy.