Advice, please!

I’ll try to make this short:

Me (F) and my ex (M) ended things almost 2 years ago (maybe its been about a year and a half?) and have been no-contact since. We’ve never had this back and forth thing. Straight no-contact since the breakup. I broke up with him, as in I started the conversation, but it ended up being sort of mutual.

I get really sad about it still. Bittersweet, maybe? It’s hard for me to quantify my feelings. I’m not crying or anything, just feel longing for him. Not for the relationship, or for our sex, or anything like that, I just feel like I was so happy (at some point) when we were together. Its been hard to replicate it. I wish I could apologize one more time, and I wish he would reach out.

I wonder if he misses me too, a lot. Thats what most of my thoughts revolve around. I was his first everything (gf, kiss, virginity, etc.), and he was the guy I lost my virginity to. I dream of him reaching out a lot, and that only makes it worse.

I don’t even want to get back with him! I remember being really unhappy towards the end of the relationship. However, I just can’t stop thinking about him, esp physically. He was imo the cutest guy i’ve been with, like, exactly my type. A lot of things remind me of him. I feel silly, I should be over it by now.

Anyways, if anyone can give me some analysis on how I’m feeling, or help me pinpoint the root causes of my feelings, it would help. I want to get over this really bad, but am having trouble.