Alone

I (30sF) feel completely alone. I got divorced about three years ago after discovering my ex having an affair with a coworker, and the fallout helped me realize I deserved to be treated better in a partnership. So I left. I worked my on myself through weekly therapy, trying new things, focusing on my healing process, learning to be gentle with myself, the whole shebang. The only thing is, I did it more or less entirely alone.

It’s as if most of my friends and family were completely uninterested in the fact that I had just left the only real relationship I had ever had. My ex was my college sweetheart, and I had only dated here and there before then. We were married over a decade. And when I broke the news that my marriage was over, people sent me nice messages and then just….vanished. My everyday friends slowly started to just want surface level conversations or just to talk about themselves. I reached some really dark places and only had one or two people try to check on me. I started feeling like a nuisance that was annoying the people supposed to love me. At one point soon after my divorce, I found myself sobbing and begging a “loved one” to please try to be there for me, and the way she reacted made me feel like she viewed me as some spoiled toddler that just got denied a second helping of dessert. I did find out eventually that my ex spread some vicious lies about me (things that were straight up not true, such as that I was the cheater lol), which explains some of the fallout. But how come not ONE single person asked me for my side, or give me any benefit of the doubt? I have had friends break up and I took the time to hear them BOTH out and I only ever took a side when I either saw proof that the other person was a jerk, or life circumstances caused us to simply drift apart.

And now I’m going through medical testing. I have an MRI scheduled and I just did a bunch of blood tests because I’m having symptoms that could be nothing, or they could mean something very wrong and very serious is happening. And I’m dreading that it’s something serious not because I am scared of being seriously ill - I am scared of my family and friends abandoning me again. I cannot deal with being left alone again.

I don’t want to feel this alone forever.