Being poor and having an ED is so unfair.

OK I'm writing this in a fit of hanger, I've been writing this out in my journal for months but yall I'm hoping some people here at least understand.

TW for the following: ARFID, restriction (unintentional), poverty.

I am so fucking done and wish I could just be normal. I am starving, I've recently been struggling more with my arfid-like tendencies. I can't stomach the idea of eating anything but a few specific foods and ofc, I have $0 to my name. I am unemployed, I can't get benefits, I'm apart of a family unit for everything and because I'm the youngest at 19 I have to fend for myself.

I've been job searching to try and at least get money for safe food again, but trying is so hard..and I'm just exhausted all the time.

I find myself feeling tired all the time again. I'm cold. I'm clearly not eating enough, but when there is something in the house that I will try and stomach it has to be shared amongst 3 other people.. and when I do finally eat i feel like a bottomless pit and I can't even give in because I have to make sure there is enough food for everyone else.

I have almost no control over what I eat anymore, I hate it and trying to eat the things my step-dad gets often make me feel sick or gag. But I don't have a choice in what we eat because I'm not paying for it.

I spend all fucking day and night dreaming about food, I had a dream the other night where I ate one of my top safe foods (Confetti cake - best texture FOR SURE!!) with my bare hands - wonderful dream I love confetti cake, but I know that means things are getting bad.

I know I gotta get over the texture and taste thing and swallow shit down. I will be hunting around the house for something tolerable tonight because I feel guilty for 'wasting' food on more than one meal a day because my family needs it more. I just need to vent and hopefully have someone just speak sense into me that I need to stop being spoiled and eat a piece of bread when I'm hungry like everyone else instead of going on strike until I aquire something I'd like to enjoy eating.