AITA for not fully being okay with my future MIL?

Hey, potatoes!

I've been a huge fan of Charlotte for a while now and am finally ready to know if I'm actually the AH in this situation. Warning: the backstory I am about to give you is long AF, but is definitely needed to understand where we're at today.

My fiancé (31 M), let's call him Justin, and I (28 F) have been together for 5 years this coming October, engaged for 1 year also this coming October. We have a 2.5 year old and a baby on the way.

We moved rather quickly, I won't lie. We moved in together when we had been together for just 3 months because I unexpectedly lost my job, and instead of saving my money for a rainy day (like needing rent for a few months lol), I paid off all of my credit card debt. Justin was more than kind enough to let me move in with him, and our original plan was for me to just be there for a few months to get back on my feet, get a place of my own, and then we could go back to dating "normally". His mother was also living with him at the time.

Mind you, I already knew she had been living with him, but I honestly didn't know the extent of how long she had been there. I almost never went over to his place during those first 3 months because he was so embarrassed to be living with his mom, which I understand. It's not an ideal situation for anyone, but I didn't judge him in a negative way. If anything, it made me fall for him even more. His mom needed help after her sister and her had a falling out, and she needed a place to stay, so he said she was more than welcome to stay as long as she wanted while she figured her s*** out... well, folks, that had been 4 years, and she could never hold a job, she didn't have her own car (used his whenever she basically wanted), and since this was the year post-Covid, she was going on 12 months of not having a job at all- she was living off of unemployment and was also not paying any rent. He left ALL of that out before I moved in.

Also, I just want to add, my first impression of this woman wasn't great. Justin's car needed a new battery, so I came to pick him up and take him to the auto part store, but before we left, his mother had pulled up different battery types on her computer to show him. He looked through them and politely told her none of those were the type he needed. She told him, and I quote, "Shut the f*** up, you have no idea what you're talking about" and then closed her laptop and walked away. This literally happened within the first 10 minutes of me "formally" meeting her.

Anyway. Fast-forward to me moving in with them. I find out that this woman had been sleeping on his couch for the last four years. I asked Justin if that was his choice and he told me he gave her the spare room, but she had always insisted she "wasn't going to be there long", and didn't want to take his guest room.... She was literally using this room as storage for all of her s***, opened delivery boxes, garbage, etc. This room was also a place where they kept to cat litter boxes. They had 2 cats- Justin having one and she having one. Since she was living rent free, she was only asked to pay the electric bill (which was NEVER more than $150 a month), the Wifi (which was only $60 a month), and to take the dog out when she needed to go and to change the cat litter, since his mother was home literally 24/7 and not working.

I also want to add: when I found out she was on unemployment, I wasn't totally pissed off about it since post-Covid unemployment was pretty good. I was able to see what she was getting at one point, and it was like $750 A WEEK. SO... SHE SHOULD HAVE HAD MONEY, RIGHT?

ANYWAY. When I moved in with them, I had my own bed and nightstands, and I told Justin and his mom that I was more than happy to give them to her, so she could move into the spare room and we could have the living room back as a space for watching TV and what it was meant for. I also had 3 cats of my own, but I didn't expect his mom to continue to do all of the litter, since now I had a majority of the cats. But I did still expect her to do the litter at least once or twice a week, and pitch in for cat litter. I didn't expect her to pitch in for cat food since my male cat needed to be on a special diet, and his food cost about $120 for one bag, but it was big enough for all 5 cats to share and this special diet was fine for cats in general (my male cat had a surgery after he had crystals, and this brand of cat food was the only thing we found to not make him have any crystals show up). When I found out what this spare room looked like... I was absolutely disgusted. She NEVER did the cat litter, and since Justin worked so many hours (he picked up a second job to start picking up his mom's slack), he wasn't really paying attention to it, either. This room was absolutely DISGUSTING. Between the nasty litter boxes and all of her garbage (not sure why she wouldn't have just taken it outside since she was living on the couch and the front door was literally closer, but whatever), this room couldn't have been anymore gross.... or so I thought. (this is important for later) Oh, yeah. She NEVER took the dog out, either. And even when we addressed it to her, she started putting MY TOWELS on the ground or puppy pads down instead of just taking her outside. I would also like to address that I found a job rather quickly, before I even fully moved in with Justin and his mom. So Justin and I were working fulltime, while she was home literally 24/7.

After about just a week of living with them, I found out very quickly that his mom did not like to clean. She did not like to do dishes (even her own). She did not like to chip in for groceries and when she did, she would only contribute to things like hotdogs, soda, b**r, and other processed garbage that I was only okay with eating on occasion, not as every single meal. She was also a very heavy smoker, and she basically made Justin's patio her own designated smoking section. She ruined the couch out there. She never cleaned up the ashes on the ground, on the table, or in the ashtray. She would literally just let it all pile up.

Also, within that first week of living with them, after Justin and I were done "having fun", we were laying in bed just talking, when all of a sudden, his mom starts POUNDING on the door. He jumped up, threw on some shorts, I threw the covers on myself, and he opened the door assuming there was some type of emergency. She says "Justin, I'm going to bed now." We both stare back at each other. Justin says "...okay?" and his mom goes "well you know I only sleep in your clothes when I go to sleep". Y'all... when I tell you my stomach fell out of my a**h*le, that doesn't even begin to tell you the absolute disgust I felt. He instantly replied "WTF are you talking about, go back to your f***ing room" and then slammed the door. He turned to me and SWORE up and down he had no idea what she was talking about, and that was the weirdest s*** she had ever said to him. I let it go.

(I'm gonna spare you all of the little details in between because there is a TON. Like backhanded comments on how small my chest was compared to hers, she would color her hair the same color as mine whenever I would change it, even if it was just adding a strip or two in her hair, she would get her nails done EXACTLY as mine, etc.)

Fast forward to about 3 months of me living with them, so now Justin and I have been together for about 6 months, give or take. We had already been discussing wanting to settle down and have a family together basically since day 1. Like I said, we moved very quickly in our relationship, but we were both fine with this. Nobody was "convinced" or "trapped" in this relationship. Justin told me to just live with him permanently and not worry about "getting back on my feet", what's the point? We want to settle down. I told Just that would be great, however, we would seriously need to talk to him mom about starting to save money/get her own car/etc., so that way she could eventually move out and we could stay in his place (because it was his place, not hers). This really made us excited! We even started planning for a baby, even if it wouldn't have been right away. That following week, Justin's brother and his girlfriend had a baby shower and we all went. I won't lie, I'm a LIGHTWEIGHT and I got pretty snockered off of half of a c***tail, and I may have let it slip to Justin's mom, brother's pregnant girlfriend, and his other brother's long-term girlfriend, that we wanted to start trying for a baby. To be fair, I thought we were all girlfriends enjoying each other's company, and I didn't really think about how this may look to people who didn't really know me.

Apparently, this caused a HUGE problem for Justin's mom, but she never said anything... to us. She expressed "her concerns" to Justin's brothers and their girlfriends, and then started telling a ton of BS lies about me (that I didn't find out about until a few months later, btw), and for a little bit it really confused me/hurt my feelings why Justin's brothers and their GF's never wanted to hangout with us.

A few days after the baby shower, Justin and I sat down with his mom and explained to her that we would really like to start settling down, trying for a baby, and just ultimately living a life without his mom being right across the hall. We were in our mid-twenties (at the time), and we felt like it was just time for her to finally start being serious about getting back on her feet and getting her s*** together. We explained that we did not expect her to be ready leave within the next few months, or even within the next year, but we did expect to start seeing her look for a job (since she was constantly saying how broke she was all of the time, so we took that as unemployment not being enough), get her own car, start a savings account, and then start looking for her own place. Justin and I were MORE THAN WILLING to living with her for another 2-3 years if that's what it took to get her comfortable and in a good place. Plus, I knew that she "was there first" and I definitely didn't want to come off as the girlfriend that made him kick his own mom out. The 3 of us sat down and spoke for at least an hour. We thought the conversation went well, and we thought she was in agreeance.

Not long after, though, Justin's mom would start making comments and being absolutely atrocious when Justin wasn't home. One day, I was working from home on the couch and Justin's mom came up and sat down across from me. Didn't say "hi" or start any kind of small talk with me just went right into saying "I already have a grandson on the way, I don't need anymore". And then just stared blankly at me before getting up and walking out of the room. WTF was I supposed to say? A day later, I was wearing Justin's clothes (b/c I had the day off and just wanted to be comfortable) and she looks me up and down and goes "you're not pregnant, are you?" and I just told her "no" with a weird look on her face, and she responded all cheerfully "oh, good. Just checking!" before skipping off her to her room.

Again, I'm gonna fast-forward through ALL of the little details and comments this woman would make towards me because there was A LOT.

Well folks... I ended up snapping. A few months later, his mother had made corned beef and cabbage for St. Paddy's day in her brand-new industrialized crockpot. This was after she had already bought a brand-new KitchenAid, a flat screen TV, etc. (remember, she's supposed to be saving money). And a few weeks later (yes, a few weeks), I was generally just curious about this crazy-looking Crockpot that was taking up way too much counter space in a kitchen that wasn't f***ing hers, and I opened the lid... I IMMEDIATELY threw up in the kitchen sink. The f***ing smell that came out of the thing followed by THE MAGGOTS finally sent me over the f***ing ledge. Justin was not home- he was working his second job, and I had to run outside and just f***ing scream. Between the backhanded comments, her NEVER cleaning up after herself EVER, NEVER pitching in for gas (even though she was still using his car), not looking for a job, not saving money, finally learning that Justin's mom was talking straight up s*** about me to ALL of their family, etc. I was DONE.

When Justin came home, I told him that I was moving in with a friend. I told him I wanted nothing more than to be with him, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT be with his mother. She was absolutely awful, and she was taking advantage of him every which way, and he was allowing it (I had also been very vocal with her a few different times about how I didn't appreciate how she treated her son, and I think she should be a little bit more respectful to him since she was literally under his roof). How could expect to have a life with him when she was literally sabotaging that? Even if we chose to just ignore her (trust me, that wouldn't have been possible anyway), she was in the spare room and we had no space for a family of our own like we discussed in detail many times (we had baby names picked out, y'all).

I want to make this VERY clear: Justin is NOT a mama's boy. He witnessed his mom be physically abused from a very young age, and then watched her go through a**iction with several types of substances, and since he's the oldest of his siblings, he always dealt with it the most. His brothers also have never offered to help his mom (not that they had to, it's just worth noting), but would always be the first to give Justin a hard time whenever Justin even thought about kicking her out (even before I came into the picture). Justin has the kindest heart I have ever known. I love him with everything I have. I did even when I told him I was moving out. He just always go back to thinking about his mom being abused and going through her a**ictions whenever he has to put his foot down with her.

I told Justin that I would love to make this move temporary, and maybe me giving his mom space would make her realize how badly she's messing up her son's life. Boy was I wrong. I came to visit the following week, and to my pleasant surprise, his mother had moved back ALL of her nicknacks into the living room (Justin took them down because they were religious trinkets, we are not religious, and it didn't go with how we were wanting to set the house up with now being a couple living together), she moved the shampoo and conditioner that I left off of the top shelf by Justin's and put her own there, she emptied my drawer in the fridge (I had a drawer for my energy drinks) and put her b**r in it... but my favorite thing she did? She took down my bath robe from behind the door and replaced it WITH HER UNDERWEAR AND BRA!!! I told Justin she was 100% trying to "replace" me and if he couldn't see this that then this relationship could never be saved.

We ended up getting into an argument, I started packing up all of the rest of my s*** that was still there, and then his mom comes BARGING in like it was her business, and I just let her f***ing have it. I ended up asking her (screaming at her) if she was trying to have a life with Justin and marry him. I asked "you trying to s*** his d*** before bed every night and have his babies? 'Cause it genuinely feels like we're in a p***ing competition now and this is a game I don't want any part of". The look on her face was worth it and then she swung on me (or at least tried to). Justin grabbed her up and pushed her out of the room before she could, she then proceeded beating on Justin, scratching his arms and face, and then had the audacity to call her brother up (Justin's uncle) and tell him that Justin was physically abusing her, and that he has been. THE GALL ON THIS WOMAN.

Fast-forward, he ended up starting the eviction process with his mom, we ended up patching things up, and 6 months later were expecting our first baby (I'm fast-forwarding through A LOT. I know this sounds like it should be something I don't come back from... trust me, I understand how it sounds).

Dealing with his mom during my pregnancy was extremely difficult. It hadn't even been a full 6 months that she had been kicked out (she also left all of her s*** in that spare room, rotting food, etc. literally packed high to the ceiling that I ended up being forced to clean out and dump on the side of the road because she REFUSED to come get anything), and she was already wanting to start coming back around and expecting me to be okay with her being involved in anything baby related. I specifically told Justin and his mom that she hasn't even apologized to me and I'm not okay with her being around me at all. If Justin wanted to continue to have her in his life, fine, but she did not need to be in mine, and I would be d***ed if she were in our child's life. He said he understood and didn't press.

Welp. His brothers kept giving him such a hard time, that he did eventually tell me I needed to be okay with his mom at the baby shower. I told him on the condition that she apologized to me in person, and I also made it very clear that me telling them she needed to apologize already wasn't sitting right with me because apologies should be genuine, but whatever.

Over the course of my pregnancy, she did back off A LOT. She wasn't as persistent in coming around, she wasn't trashing my name anymore (even though the damage with that has already been done. I have ZERO relationship with any of Justin's family because of her), and she was also respecting my boundaries. She also was on her best behavior when our son was born (and to this day, she still is). I think me having Justin's child, and now children, have made it clear to her that I will not be going anywhere (I also think it has a lot to do with the multiple times I've called her out on her BS, even after the whole eviction thing), and she's come to terms with not being a total AH, so she can eventually have some sort of relationship with her grandchildren.

She did eventually reach out to me, maybe about a year ago now (before being pregnant with baby #2), and she did actually apologize to me. It sounded genuine (unlike the first time), and she told me that she really wanted to prove that she wants to be present in our lives and she understands that she messed up. I told her that I appreciate her apologizing, and that I'm not just brushing it off, HOWEVER, what she did to both Justin and I as individuals as well as a couple, was just inexcusable. There was never any real reason for it, and it's going to take much more than an apology. We didn't just get into a little disagreement. She was downright HATEFUL towards me since day 1, she's ruined any chance at any type of relationship with Justin's side of the family for me (sadly, Justin's uncle ended up passing away shortly after his mom called them and starting that BS with him, and the only words exchanged between the two of us were screaming and unpleasant words, and his brother's girlfriends still don't speak to me/us, even though they are brought up to speed with everything that's happened), and I also truly think that when someone's treated on the level that I was treated, it can't just be fully "forgiven". I told her that I don't think I'll ever fully trust her, she will never be allowed to be alone with my children, and I moving forward I will "tolerate" her from now on. I will be in the same room as her, but I don't necessarily think I have to have small talk with her or be her bestie. She said she understood.

Okay, now you're all caught up. I haven't had any issues with Justin's mom since all of that happened. Our son is 2.5 years old now, and I'm in my third trimester of this pregnancy. His mom and I have been in the same room together only a handful of times, and I'm fine with that. I don't hold anymore anger towards her (honestly- it took about a year or so, but I'm not angry anymore), but I'm still very much just in the "tolerating her" stage.

So, I'm questioning if I'm the AH because recently, Justin and I had a discussion about his mother/family because it's been bothering me that my children won't really have a relationship with their cousins, uncles/aunts, and grandma, and Justin brought up how his mom "doesn't have any issues with me anymore, and I'm the one who still has the issues", so they could potentially at least have a better relationship with their grandma if I were more open to it. We didn't get into an argument because he said he still understands why I'm where I'm at, but he wanted to just bring it up that I'm pretty much the reason we don't have a relationship since I can't "fully forgive her".

So, Reddit... AITA for not fully forgiving my future MIL?

If you've made it all the way, thank you. I know it was a lot. Probably too much lmao.