Did your Parent every equate being "Grown Up", with being callous , indifferent, and cynical, accuse you of being immature as a child just because you had sensitive feelings and were unsuspecting? And then for the rest of your life, you were forever confused about what it means to be "Grown up". ?

Someone made a comment to me that really triggered me, and it's sort of happened before when I fall into some state of overwhelming, fear, panic, upset, some way I'm overly emotional and therefore "not grown up, not handling myself well", and apparently that and a bunch of other things I don't always understand about what it means to be "mature" and "adultlike" , or "grown up" and it all swirls around in my head like '"what the hell does the world want from me, when is it ever okay to be as upset as I actually am ".....etc, and feel all my emotions? Okay, that was a lot , this was the remark that triggered me so hard. " you didnt grow up, you just grew older". And I know that, and am deeply ashamed. It's pretty much the very thing i tell myself every time I try to hard left brain handle a situation that feels totally overwhelming, and why cant I just lock down those "too upset, immature, unable to handle adult tasks", ......be calm, rational , an adult, put that panic and pain into a box to deal with later........I"m just saying it's a lot. I"m not making sense am I?

It drives me crazy because first i was parentified and had my childhood stolen from me, then told I was being an oversensitive baby and "too immature" because I didnt want to be grown up at 10, I didnt want to take care of my Mothers emotional needs, and I didnt want to pretend that abuse didnt bother me, or pretend that nothing affected me, when everything affected me. And being told that allowing genuinly things that were cruel, abusive and callous, and negligent absolutely affected me , but now that makes me a n immature baby? So I buried the pain, so that I would be "grown up". Took on the role of caregiver to my Mothers emotions to be "grown up", then later having to make a living so that I didnt live in the street, and all the things that life throws at you, I'm not going to go through the list, but you know "shitty life events"....and not running away, and having to walk on broken glass, and still .............."I didnt grow up, I just grew older?" IT's not fair , even though I know part of that is true.

When do I ever get credit for what I've endured? Why is it always me being "too sensitive" or not handling things in an adult way, why is it never enough?

it makes me feel like what my Mother told me is true. That youre not really grown up until you're dead inside, callous, heartless, and bitter and have killed off all the childhood hurt and pain. I'm feeling really ashamed right now for all my childlike pain and fear, and my apparent not grown up , state of being.

Ironically, as much as my mother told me I wasnt an adult I should be (at 10), she wasnt as Grown up, as she claimed to be. Blaming everyone for her choices, feelings, bad behavior, throwing temper tantrums, because important Grandiose adults "have a right to be angry and throw temper tantrums"........and I was the immature child, not her?

I rambled this whole thing, I"m sorry. I feel so frustrated and hurt. It's not fair that I would have to give up all my happiness, spend so much time , and money trying to figure out my trauma, and still be told that "you didnt grow up, you just grew older". NOT fair.