i'm convinced everyone hates me but i know it's not true.

i'm convinced everyone hates me but i know it's not true.

i'm not sure why i'm like this. but i know it got worse by some terrible, fake friends i had last year who ghosted me and really destroyed my self-esteem. if people who were super nice and close to me for a long time betrayed me like that and secretly hated me, how much then might my acquaintances hate me? my teachers? people i don't even talk to? how do i know that that's not going through their head?

silence, delays, neutral expressions, normal human inconsistencies. those are some things that, in context, i might take negatively. small things, like someone not responding to my email, get blown up in my mind. all these things confirm the fear my mind is primed to believe. they secretly hate me. i'm unlovable. and then the spiral goes on from there. no matter what i tell myself, my mind races. my stomach aches. my fingers shake. i can't breathe. it sucks, man. (now imagine how i take genuinely negative actions toward me lol)

i know there could be plenty of other reasons for these events. but my brain wants to believe it's because they hate me as a defense mechanism. it's like preparing myself for rejection.

i also try to make sure, though, that when i respond to these actions, i take them surface-level and don't treat the other person in a bitter way. i try to make sure they're all right because i know everyone is struggling in some way. i don't want to be a bad person. i'm not. i'm just scared that there are a lot of things wrong with me that everyone sees but i don't.

even things like opening messages are terrifying for me because i'm expecting that somewhere in that message, it'll be clear that the sender hates me, doesn't care about me, thinks what i said is stupid. i spiral over nothing.

to be honest, me saying “i know it's not true” is just me convincing myself. i do think there's something wrong with me. at the same time, it's probably not the case that everyone hates me. or maybe it is. who knows. i'm trying really hard to not let these thoughts take over.

i'm here for advice, discussions, or whatever. thank you all in advance.