It’s getting to me so much lately.

My ex blindsided me over a year ago, and that culminated in her cutting contact with me.

For some background info, feel free to check my other posts. Maybe one day I’ll tell the full story in detail, but that’s for another time. All I will say is that things ended on a very poor note, and I have broken NC twice. Once to get what I needed off my chest and once to defend myself.

I felt like I had moved on for a while. I worked very hard to get to that point. I started therapy, and I’m still attending sessions. I started working out and finding things to occupy my time and energy.

However, everything has been coming back to me at full force, almost as if the breakup happened recently. Every night, I’m burdened by thoughts of what once were and what could’ve been. She’s still in my dreams quite frequently. It brings me to tears quite often.

I have to admit I still wish things were different. I still live each day in delusion, hoping that she’ll at least consider reaching out to me just so we can talk. I might be a lot of things, but I know I was a great boyfriend. I wish she knew just how much I cared about her and how deeply I loved her.

The thing is I know she clearly loved me through our relationship. I really don’t know what happened. It’s something I think about all the time. Where I went wrong, what I could’ve done differently, etc. She refuses to have that conversation. Her friend even told me there’s no chance I’ll ever get to talk to her again.

She moved on so quickly, and I’m still trying to mend my broken heart. By all accounts, her life is going fantastic. My world, on the other hand, is varying shades of grey these days.