Help I’m so confused about my marriage that I can’t tell the true from the false anymore. He’s that good at spinning things and saying that I’m completely lost. One minute I’m done with him and the next I’m sobbing and apologize to him and begging him to stay.

So I snooped around on phones and completely broke my own heart. My husband (53) and I (42) have been dating since 2018 and he has adopted my son. I was sober when he met me and was completely honest about my past and that I was an emotional mess and had only dated other addicts before. To clarify, this was at our first in person meet up (we met on a hook up site because my dysfunctional self thought that sleeping with strangers would somehow make my depression more tolerable. I was wrong and was honest that I couldn’t go thru with it. He was so handsome and charming and normal that I was floored when he said he wanted to forget the hook up stuff and actually date me. While I was flattered and excited about it, I know it was too good to be true. I’m an extremely low bottom addict and have been homeless and not part of society most of my life. I felt like he’d eventually see through me and see how pathetic and screwed up I was from years of living on the streets and PTSD from SA’s and other problems. But he kept liking me and I was crazy about me so we kept going and eventually got married. I relapsed several times and it was awful. I’d disappear and spend days injecting drugs by myself in horrible hotel rooms and I have no idea why. This is what I’d dreamed about for years and I couldn’t stop trying to destroy it. The more I relapsed the more resentful he became towards me and I don’t blame him in the slightest. We’re currently in marriage counseling but I don’t have high hopes for it. I can tell he sees me differently and definitely treats me as such. He adopted my son and I fear he’s only still with me because he loves my son so much. It definitely feels like I am madly in love with him and he’s here because he’s a good guy fufilling his obligations. So I found his Quora account and he follows all kinds of groups like “How to bare my narcissistic wife” “Dating woman over 50” “Surviving an emotionally abusive spouse” “Where to meet single ladies over 50”. He’s obviously miserable and I was right. I’m pretty sure he’s having an emotional affair of some sort and I don’t blame him at all. But I had no idea that he saw me like he does. He always said that I was just self medicating because of my mental illness, TBI, and trauma. Now it’s obvious that he thinks I’m a terrible person.