At what point do you let go of your pride?

TL;DR My partner is refusing to accept help from me to hire a helper for my recovery. However, he’s saying he’s “close to a breaking point” even though I’ve given him a solution…. At what point do you think he should accept help? (We’ve already had a few difficult conversations)

I’m (38F) concerned about my relationship with my partner (42M). It may help to know that he is on the spectrum, has ADHD and OCD, very much an introvert. I have psych issues as well, I’m on the spectrum, and I’m an extrovert.

I’m chronically ill and have had 2 surgeries and 2 outpatient procedures since we started dating. I told him multiple times about my health problems and the reality that comes along with it (there is always someone who will say I wasn’t honest upfront)

We’ve been together for close to 2 years and moved in together 1.5 years ago. I was suffering from a neurological condition starting in December 2023. I had a procedure 04/2023 for it. He wasn’t working at the time. He could focus more time on getting things done around the house while also being able to take care of things to prepare for my recovery.

Starting about 3 months ago I’ve been in bed again more and more. He’s started working and he’s still doing chores, cooking, taking care of the cats, etc on top of working full time.

I can only help out so much or else cerebrospinal fluid starts to drip out of my nose…. I have other debilitating symptoms that aren’t as scary, I’m trying to show the gravity of the situation.

Anyways, my question is this…. I offered to hire a helper around the house for the first 2 weeks after my recovery. Both to help him with chores or just to relieve him so he can have time to himself. He started shooting it down because we’ve had issues with finding good people.

He says it would be a waste of money and that “It’s just going to replace one problem with another”… meaning, he’s afraid we will go more into debt if this procedure doesn’t work (We will have to travel for care which is $2-5K minimum)

I keep telling him that our relationship is suffering because he’s burning himself out. But he uses the money we would need to pay a helper as an excuse. It’s a vicious cycle and both of us are trying to figure out how to compromise on something that is so difficult.

I miss my partner 🥺 he’s not able to be present because he’s stressed out about everything that he needs to do. He is such an incredible human and I hate seeing him like this 😞 Please help