I never legitimately transitioned just lived in the closet but now I'm actually trying to be a girl as an adult, when my entire teen years were rejecting it

I hope it’s okay to post this here. Please let me know if not. I think I’m just at a point where I’m letting go of trying to be masculine or fit in with guys. I still feel transmasc in a body-oriented way, but trying to fully ‘commit’ to that has become really stressful. Idk if thats controversial.

I struggle with basic social interaction, and the thought of navigating life as a man honestly feels like it would be a steep learning curve. I still feel anxious around men and often alienated by them. I didn't grow up with any men around for long. It just feels like I’d never truly ‘fit in’ or be able to live fully and comfortably as a man despite enjoying alot of aspects of being masculine and the idea of it. Like I’m not ‘man enough,’ if that makes sense. I never desperately needed to transition fully it would've been it's own giant hurdle to suddenly extra critical about passing.

I spent my teen years as an angsty, repressed, chronically online ‘tboy,’ and now I’m finally learning makeup and basically starting to detransition. I’ve never seen myself as a girl before, so this feels like going through a second, very delayed puberty. I'm still figuring out all the awkward stuff most women dealt with back in high school.

I’m just curious what others think or if anyone relates. It’s hard because I never thought I’d be exploring femininity like this, and I have a lot of mixed feelings. But at the same time, it kind of seems like life might be less isolating or depressing if I let myself lean into "what i have" instead of holding onto being masc.