i didnt prepare for how angry i would feel

Im so sorry in advance for the amount of times i pour my broken heart into a reddit post, I feel like no one in my life aside from my partner gets how heart shattering the loss of our babygirl is. (her name is Sugar)

its only been two days and it feels like years. she grew up with me, i literally went through the most transformative years of my life with her by my side. my brain cannot fathom the fact she isnt around. it feels like she is, until i remember. its like my brain cannot accept this and when i do, the pain of this loss makes me feel like i cant breathe. i dont know where i would be without her, i cant just move on. i cant cope/handle the fact she isnt here, i look for her in her spots and forget until i see its empty. i passed her box of meds and it broke me.

which also brings me to how unprepared i was to feel angry, i think its the fact this loss makes me feel so shattered and desperate for my baby back that i feel angry she was taken from me. she was acting normal until April this year. we took her to the vet and she got diagnosed with stage four CKD, and she died a month and a half later. she even had tests done and surgery August last year and nothing abnormal was detected. it felt out of nowhere, and she deteriorated so fast. i had so much hope that she would be okay, she would last a year at least as other stage four cats have. im not angry at her, she fought so hard for us. im angry at the disease, at myself for feeling like i didnt do enough if the meds stopped helping because i cant accept she died and it was always outside of my control.

i miss my girl, has anyone else felt this lost, angry, heartbroken, and helpless? i want my old normal back now, i feel her everywhere and i just miss her so much