If you knew the me underneath

I don’t think you would run away. That in itself is a terrifying thought. The deepest parts of me are wrought with shame , trauma, guilt, insecurities, and impulsivity. The face I wear isn’t a true representation of who I am, I just know that if I don’t smile and put on a show, everyone around me would feel my burden.

When I’m with you though, the smiles and laughter are genuine. I can sit with you and feel myself claw to the surface. I still have to censor myself, but not from my darkness. I censor myself from the heat.

I try to downplay how genuinely happy just being in your presence makes me. I try not to stare,searing every mannerism of yours into my brain. I try not to forget to breathe when we are so close I can feel the heat coming from your body. I try not to smell the scent of you in fear I’ll look for it again for an eternity.

With you it’s almost impossible just to exist, because you make me want to do more, be more, see more, feel more. Thank you for reminding me there’s more to life than just existing, even if I feel it in the shadows.