I went back to my ex. Just once. But I’ve never felt worse.

This morning, my ex messaged me. We spoke briefly, I made a joke as I made some comically small pink furry handcuffs and I was showing people my dumb craft.

He asked if he could come and get me. I’ve been having dreams about seeing him again for months. I can’t get him out of my head.

We ended on bad terms, because he accused me of SA when I was blackout drunk and he was tipsy, we did stuff to eachother, and I spiralled into severe guilt, even though I know I didn’t do it.

Just the what if, what if, what if, what if I really did? What if I hurt someone like that? I put someone through what happened to me once before.

I was sexually abused at around 5 or 6. That’s what made the guilt worse. I relapsed in alcohol, tried cocaine, MDMA. Even started smoking weed again. I’d dropped it all for him. Saying i’d try to stay off it to prevent this sort of conflict. Just so I knew i’d have the certainty that I didn’t do it.

One of my best friends is my FWB. We dated briefly, but broke up. We still have sex. But we’re not dating. We’re still friends.

I thought about it. No, I shouldn’t do this. I hate my ex. He wasn’t good to me. I wasn’t good to him either. He had a bunch of sexual issues, like his cock smelling like fish, and being severely uneducated. He was a compulsive liar and was forever on the defence. I used to make horrible jabs at him, trying to be satirical. But even when he told me to stop I didn’t. That wasn’t good of me.

I only really stayed with him because he’d tried to kill himself because he had an argument with his best friend at the time. I was scared that if I left like that too, i’d be the cause of what was next to come. But I learned to love him.

When he broke his arm, I didn’t see him for months, it made me realise we weren’t meant for each other at all, and that’s what made our relationship all the more rocky, which is when he actively weaponised me “SA’ing” him. He never brought it up prior.

But, my current FWB is a dream, he’s amazing. When we met, I was sleeping with my ex again. Going through a rocky patch, in love with him again. I cried to my FWB about how sick I was of him lying to me, and I wished I wouldn’t go back to him like this.

I ended up distancing myself from my ex for my current FWB, which is when we started dating. I’ve never felt more safe to be honest, never felt more comfortable during sex. He’s funny, he’s kind. He’s compassionate.

Yet I did this.

Sure, we aren’t dating but I feel so horrible. I’ve broken his trust. I’ve done it again. I just can’t stop going back to my Ex. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t dare confess. I know he’ll hate me. I don’t know what i’d do if he hated me.

This morning, my ex took me to his place. We had sex. I hated it like usual. I was nervous as usual. But I don’t know why. I just had to go back. Just once.

I did this to myself, and I should suffer the consequences because i’m evidently a horrible fucking person. I’ve never felt so guilty. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do.

This post is obviously gonna get me hate. I expect that. But I just need it off my chest. Somehow. Somewhere.