Not Clean, Just Still

I used to try so hard to stay in control counting everything avoiding everything fixing it after if I didn’t

I’d panic if I ate too much run to undo it do whatever it took to feel clean again

Now I don’t Not because I’m better just because I’m tired The thoughts are still there loud as ever but I don’t act on them anymore I don’t have the energy

And it makes me feel worse somehow like I’ve given up like I’m letting the damage stay just because I’m too exhausted to care

I still feel my body after every meal still glance at the number in the morning still think about shrinking myself even if I don’t follow through

And I thought not doing it would feel freeing but honestly I just feel disgusting and numb and ashamed for not caring enough to keep fighting

Does anyone else feel like this? Like you didn’t recover, you just… stopped?