Really tempted to commit

Just turned 19 today, life getting really bad, have been depressed for about 9 years, anxiety has gotten so bad to the point it's a big deal to just leave the house, constantly feel like I let others down or they gain a disliking to me as I am no longer outgoing or very sociable.

I just want to feel welcome somewhere again, or just to have good friends, getting really lonely recently which is not normal for me since I have (or maybe had) a ton of friends, I try to go out and engage with old friends but they just don't seem to have any interest in talking to me, I try to make conversation and it just dies out after I ask all the questions etc, I have always just tried to make others happy and take stuff off of everybody elses mind, now paying the price :(

Also my life dream was to join the marines and I can no longer mass a medical test due to having ADHD anxiety and depression :( so at a dead end, 0 motivation to do anything, constantly hating myself, absurdly insecure about my looks.

Thanks for reading