Love is so painful sometimes.

The guy ive been seeing has a pretty crazy life rn so i dont hear from him much on weekends if at all. I feel all emotions very deeply so this really hurts. i wrote this directed to him planning to never send it but need you guys to read it so i dont feel so alone

Your silence has been echoing around every empty corner in my mind. I glance slowly to my right, noticing the glass door is covered in tiny fingerprints, only making their way up two thirds. I trace the patterns, counting the number of sliding prints, and ones that must have come from tiptoes. I should really clean that door. My eyes are diverted suddenly and my thoughts redirected. A bird. The sky looks hazy. The sun is setting.  I breathe a deep sigh and think about everything I managed to accomplish today. Some tasks finally complete after days of procrastination. For others, it's been weeks.  My bathroom received a much needed deep clean. The dishes that had started to accumulate in the kitchen sink are now spotless and back in the cupboards and drawers where they belong. Everything has a place. The beds are made. The living room, which looked at the start of the day as if it was the aftermath of a world war, is now neat, surfaces wiped with lemon scented Clorox, the pillows and blanket back in their respective spots on the couch. Everything is where it should be. Everything except you. You should be here. Throughout the daytime, I easily find tasks that require my attention, taking my thoughts away from the absence of you. Just like the fingerprints and the bird. I can clean for hours. Sometimes its therapeutic and almost enjoyable. Other times, I lie to myself. I say that I'm just trying to get things done. Be a grown up and do what I'm supposed to do. Taking pride in my things by keeping them clean. When in reality, it's just the most productive way I can think to keep my mind off you. My face gets red. My hair is a mess. My chest tightens as if I'm struggling to breathe. I start sweating from scrubbing so hard, and my hands hurt from the chemicals at times. It is exhausting. Yet, somehow, none of that remotely compares to the feeling of being disconnected from you. Time apart is important, yes, I'm very aware. What hurts is consistent lack of communication. And even more than that, knowing you are struggling too, most would say worse than I, and being completely helpless. If I could just do something, ANYTHING, to relieve you of this pain you go through, I would in a heartbeat. Even if it meant taking it all for myself. But all that will help is patience. Fuck. So, as I sit here, no longer on the couch but on the balcony, I take a deep breath. I feel the warm breeze and think of what I can do in the meantime to distract myself from you. I've cleaned just about everything. I could try to sleep, but its only 8:59pm and I'm not tired. I could do some coloring with music, but my hands and wrists already hurt. I could watch a movie. I'm not really feeling that either.  I just want your arms wrapped around me. You tell me that soon, I will have that every day. Right, the silence is all that there is left today. Just be patient.