Miss my big brother, feeling silly

I don’t know how time crept up on me so much, but it’s the summer before my first year of college and I feel like I’ve been smacked in the face by my brother moving away so so soon.

My brother is four years older than me, and we’ve had an up and down relationship, but we’ve been really really good the last few years. He goes to college in our hometown, so when he moved out I saw him way less than I was used to, but still really frequently. I guess I got used to it like that, and he would make time and space for me in his schedule so I was happy with it.

But this summer, I was hoping we’d hang out like we used to just a little while longer? And we really just haven’t, and I feel so silly missing him so bad when he sleeps just down the hall from me. He has a girlfriend, and they’re so sweet together, but they’re gonna be long distance and I guess they’re getting as much time in now as they can. And I can’t begrudge them that, right? That’d be silly. But I also miss all the times we used to hang out.

We had all these little routines, and I guess I shouldn’t have assumed that they’d stay the same. But I miss them. We’d “parallel play” when we weren’t up to socializing, and Id just sit on his floor and we’d just spend time in each others vicinity. Or he’d explain coding projects to me, and I’d ask questions because I don’t know shit about coding, or some nights we’d watch Kitchen Nightmares, or Star Wars the Clone Wars together, or we’d play video games together and build Minecraft worlds and whatever the fuck else, and some days he’d just give me advice. we’d hang out almost every night.

Now he facetimes his girlfriend when he plays video games, and I thought it was cute at first but now I just feel angry and selfish and want my big brother back. He has her over, or goes to her house, literally every night, and I know the good sibling thing to do is be supportive and happy but I’m just not.

I want my big brother back. I want to feel like he values me as much as I do him, and I don’t know how to express that and I’m so frustrated with myself. I feel homesick all the time, even though I’m at home, and I think it’s just because he’s always felt like part of my home and now it feels like he can’t wait to leave. And that’s healthy, and I know it is, but I’m so damn frustrated because I don’t want him to. He’s leaving for his job, moving away forever, in less than a month now, and I can’t shake the feeling that we’ll never be this way again, but I can’t make myself be selfish enough to ruin what he’s happy with now. I feel so obnoxious and selfish and I hate it but I can’t shake it off, either, and I’m just in this weird limbo.

TLDR: I feel guilty for begrudging my big brother his independence, because even though he seems excited for everything new, him being distant and having things to do makes me feel homesick all the time. I miss my big brother and he literally still lives with me.