I'm planning on killing myself after my boyfriend comes back from deployment

I don’t really know what I want from posting this. I guess I just need to feel like someone hears me before I go through with it.

My boyfriend (we’ll call him James) got deployed a little while ago. He’s in the Navy. Before he left, things were good. We got together kind of fast during the talking stage. People might roll their eyes at that or say it was rushed, but it didn’t feel that way to us. It felt natural.

I love him so much. Every little thing about him. The way he talks. How respectful and caring he is. Even the dumb little jokes he tells.

But ever since he left, it’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s not even that I miss him, I mean I do, it just feels like I lost me. I wasn't really dependent on him , and I’m not trying to be that girl who falls apart over a guy, but I can’t picture a version of my life where he’s not in it. I can’t see that version of my life.

I text him good morning every single day, even though I know he won’t see it. Just because it makes me feel like we’re still connected somehow. He sent me one email, a while ago. I didn’t get it until a week later. I answered. I poured my heart into it. But he hasn’t replied since. It’s been weeks. And that silence has been eating me alive.

I don’t really have anyone else. Like people are around, but no one who really gets me like James does. No one who makes me feel like I’m not a burden just for existing. James made me feel like I was someone worth staying for.

So… I made a plan. When he comes home, I just want one perfect day. Just us. Just him and me. I want to laugh with him, hold him, soak up every single second like it’s the last page of a book. And then when he falls asleep that night... that’ll be it for me. I’ll be gone.

I don’t expect people to understand. Hell, half of me doesn’t even understand. I just know this ache has been building and building and I don’t see a way out of it anymore. I don’t want to ruin his life with my sadness. I just want to give him one last good day. One last memory.

Advice is welcome, and I'll gladly answer any questions if I'm still here, but I don't expect myself to make it out of this hole. I’m just tired.

Babe, for some reason if you read this and figure out it's you… thank you. For everything, I love you so much.