I’ve given him another chance, but I’m paranoid and unhappy

I (F, 27) have been cheated on for two months and found out a couple of months ago.

To be honest, I dealed with it rather sensibly. I found out by pure chance, I never would have known otherwise — he says he would have told me, but I know the opposite is true. I just asked him to remove her completely from his life and to follow my rules from then on. I asked him to tell me of ANY contact he has with ANY female that is not related to him.

Apart from that, he gave me all his passwords, but I haven’t logged into anything and I don’t think I will. He offered not to leave our house by himself (as we both work from home), only in my company. I’m not sure for how long this is doable, but it’s been working so fine.

Our relationship is fine, I don’t want to break up nor to get any sort of revenge. We have a good time together, like the same things, he’s always a sweetheart to me and otherwise, and we have a stable household and foundation. To be honest, another factor is that I was so taken aback by this that I’m pretty sure there are no faithful men and it’s better to stick to someone I already know and am used to. And I don’t feel like being single. I would feel 100% worse if, saying, we divorced, he found someone before I did.

Rationally speaking, it’s settled.

But Gee, there are days all I want to do is cry and feel sorry for myself. I’ve always been so controlled and polite, but today I ended up doing something I never do: I lost my temper and yelled at someone who had nothing to do with my problems, because they asked me so many times the same damn thing. I feel awful and mean. People around me don’t deserve to see this version of myself.

Either that, or I become spiteful and stalk his AP, compare myself to her and regret not telling her man while I had proof (I sometimes despise both my partner and hers, thinking all men are so stupid to fall for her innocent act, she seems so cute and naive). It’s so messed up that the girl and I even share the same profession, and now she has dyed her hair the same color as mine, ginger (mine’s natural, but who cares at this point).

That’s it, I hope this feeling just fades with time…