I feel so sad and lonely about having to abort and could use some kind words

TL;DR: This is not a viable pregnancy no matter how I spin it, my partner is the only one who knows and he's kind but doesn't get it, and I am so sad that I'm having to abort

I have been on a medication since I was a child that causes miscarriage/severe birth defects. I've been on birth control since I was a teen and was always careful. Recently I switched birth controls and I guess I wasn't as careful as I thought. My period was a bit late, which isnt abnormal for me (I have irregular cycles), but I grabbed a pregnancy test on a whim and it came back positive.

I'm waiting on my abortion meds now. Although miscarriage is already highly likely because of the meds I'm on, I don't want to risk the possibility of just not, and I also want to do this on my own terms. I always knew there was a chance for this, I always knew what I'd do. My partner and I have discussed it since the beginning & we are both extremely pro choice. But I didnt expect to be so heartbroken, so utterly devastated if it did happen to me.

In another reality, I could've been celebrating and planning and preparing for a child. Crazy, I was never sure I wanted any until now. And as much as I wish it could've been, this is in no way a viable pregnancy, and I have been crying every day about it. I feel the changes in my body - the nausea & heartburn, getting winded easily, cramps, sleeping more than usual, and it just reminds me that this is going to end soon and it makes me feel so sad.

My partner is very supportive and has been incredible about all of this, but he obviously doesn't get it and I feel so lonely. I haven't told any family or friends, partly because I don't feel ready to, and partly because I'm in a red state and don't want to risk word of it getting out until it's already done (and I'm going to say it was a miscarriage if I do tell anyone). I'm trying not to be angry at myself for not being more careful. I cry alone a lot in my car and my room or I go on walks at night and just sob with nobody but the trees around to hear me. I'm so sad.

I hope one day I'm able to have children and I'm grateful I have the resources to do what is best for me, but it hurts so bad💔