im so drained

hey guys i hope you are all doing great!

i wanted to vent a bit about my family issues

im 20 a medical student with very abusive and strict parents

i had a hard childhood since i am the eldest daughter and i had a lot of responsibilities and i wasnt allowed to do anything beside studying i did love studying but not anymore

while my sisters who are btw 2 years younger would be playing outside i was staring at them from the window and i would get yelled at and slapped for that

my father is a man who has very bad anger issues but i still believe he is a good man

he had been cheating on my mom since they got married and she never left for the sake of her children... US

different women different stories different panties so you could imagine how hard it was for my mother especially when she loves him

she got chronic depression and stopped caring for us

she became so aggressive it made me think my dad was safer

so i have to take care of my siblings clean the house help them with homework...

i was a gifted child always in the top 3 so i took harder classes at school and i was known by my kindness my intelligence and how quiet and alone i was .. but they also knew me as that cheaters daughter, the one that flirts with young teachers...

no matter how much effort i put in to make my parents proud of me i never got any credit not for my work or grades while my siblings would be loved

one sister and brother are their favourites

the other sister is peoples favourite

then there was me the unseen and the unwanted

i was the perfect daughter i would listen do as they please get good grades and never caused any trouble so i am boring and ugly too

also i never dated anyone or got on a date or did anything just so i wont make trouble even when i would get a lot of attention but now i put my limits

fast forward to today im teaching my brother because he has finals and my sister failed and the house became very tense

im very anxious about my finals too i have 4 days left and 50 lessons to memorize

my brother who i wasted my time teaching today wasnt paying attention he would listen to a girls voicemail 5 minutes long while im trying to explain something or he would just yell and start annoying me... it mad me really mad because i could have finished a lot today and he doesnt even appreaciate that

i also have a little brother who is 1 year old and who had something i didnt have which is a loving father and mother

my mom sleeps early and keeps him with me until he sleeps around 4 am

and just many things that i cant say

im just tired im so tired and i see my friends having time to study and take care of themselves and who have good relationships with their parents and they dont even appreaciate that while the only things my mom speaks about to me are how i should dress how i should speak how i should act how stubborn i am how clueless i can be

i feel like i just cant do this anymore

i never wanted or thought about medicine EVER and they forced me to choose it while i got accepted into the uni i wanted but it wasnt in the city we live in...

i just wanted to get away from them and have a bit of rest but no

my dad said the only thing that he will agree on for me to move out is to get married

i hate men and the only one i loved never saw me as an option and ignored me pretty badly

although i met amazing people but they make me feel so insecure not the how i look way but when they know i have these obstacles and they keep saying im cooked im not going to make it this finals because i havent read that one lesson a fourth time

i told her i support her and i do but they make feel so stressed and anxious about my situation and they never listen to me i have to shout please listen and i think thats it they will but then one of them would interrupt me

when i give advices i also can be a bit harsh and i say things they dont want to hear and i am in the wrong here

i wanna say that as much i kept this sadness in me i always tried to help others ALWAYS and one of my best friend started calling me mean because we just met a group of guys and i have good skills on judging people ( another way of saying i have adhd) and shekept hanging out with them and she told me not to leave her alone with them even when i begged her not to taalk with them because i dont feel comfortable around them but she would talk for like 2 hours WHILE STANDING and i would tell her can we leave in front of them and she said thats why she calls me mean and i cried for 3 days

now she regrets it all of them turned to be pretty bad

i love her so much her and my other bestfriend but they make me feel bad

the other bestfriend got dumped by her boyfriend and he called her pretty bad stuff.. and i told her when a man disrespects you and you accept it and get with him again hes only going to disrespect you again and she decided to make a bet on it because she refused to believe me then he did it again and she made a group of her and him and my other bestfriend without me and now i feel she became very distant with me

i feel a bit better now if you get this far thank you for listening and congrats for being the first one who did

if you have any similar or different experience feel free to write it

also if anyone wants to talk im availble just not these days cuz im going to devour my books hopefully