Thoughts on my father

Hi everyone. I’ve no particular intent behind this post other than sharing some thoughts on my father.

My father died unexpectedly at the start of this year. He was in his mid 60’s, there was no warning whatsoever, he just went to sleep and never woke back up.

Since he passed I haven’t shed a tear. I believe that my childhood was, in ways, quite traumatic, the primary reason behind that being my father’s neglect of his duties first of all towards my mother, and secondarily towards me as his son. Essentially, he wasn’t ‘there’ for my mother enough emotionally. She in turn leaned on me, and growing up I feel I functioned as a surrogate husband. In a sense then this also relieved Dad of his responsibilities toward me, namely taking me under his wing, and forming me as a man.

These dysfunctional dynamics between my parents, and between me and my parents, have had very difficult consequences in my life, which I’ll not get into here, but suffice to say I wouldn’t wish aspects of my life on my worst enemy.

For many years I’ve felt in my heart that were one of my family members (parents or siblings) to die wouldn’t cry; i.e. I’ve known my heart was in a sense numbed. That has regrettably proven true now. I mentioned earlier that I have anger towards my father, but my lack of a grief response isn’t a result of that, i.e. is not specific to my father.

My big failing is that I live in the past, and go over and over the failings of my father, rather than take ownership of the here and now and what I can do about it. I know I need to accept my father for how he was, and I need to forgive him.

I can understand a lot of why he was the way he was from what I know of his own upbringing. It angers me though that few people can see the hurt he caused me; it’s as though the only abuse most people can wrap their heads around is if a parents beats their kids physically or verbally, which he never did. Dad’s failing was one of neglect. In my angrier thoughts I would’ve said to him that a bad father is worse than no father, and he was certainly a bad father.

But yeah, I need to accept him, forgive him. And I hope in time to come I will grieve him, and get rid of this numbness that is in me. I am self aware enough to know that a huge part of me wants to stay in this place of victimhood, which I know is the opposite of masculinity.

Thanks for reading.