I’m an avoidant

I’m an avoidant.

He is a good person, and I just realized I lost him. I ran away when he wanted to talk things out because I was a coward — I left him on read and disappeared.

He wants to keep me as a friend but also desires me for my body. He went back to his ex for a more comfortable life.

That’s why I ended things with him in the first place.

But… I realize now that I don’t want to lose him as a friend. He was a really good friend, but a really bad lover.

He wanted to talk things out, but I didn’t show up that day. I left him on read, disappeared, and left him confused — all because I was afraid of facing my fears and showing my weakness.

Now he’s blocked me and mailed back all the gifts I gave him.

Now I miss him. I keep wondering if I could have ended things differently. What if I had put my avoidant ego aside? Maybe I could’ve saved our friendship.

I don’t want him back as a lover. I don’t want closure. I made it clear that I wanted him to go back to his ex. But I never made it clear that I still wanted him in my life.

I just didn’t want things to end as badly as they did.

Can someone tell me — would it be a good idea for someone who’s avoidant to set my ego aside and face my fears by talking to him about what happened? To offer clarity, but with boundaries?

I’ve always been avoidant — afraid to open up, afraid to show weakness. I always run away from love.

Please… I really, really need your help.