Crisis

Had a two week stress leave- came back afyer the first day I just drank for 2 days. Definitely in crisis but I sort of know this is what I needed to stop. I'm by no means addicted but I have CPTSD and am not coping well. I am super ashamed of myself. I booked a Dr appointment and I need more time off. I also decided and told my family and therapist full commitment to sobriety or I have to go to treatment.

I hate myself and no one else likes me either. This is the worst rock bottom I have had in a long time. I think I did it on purpose because I had no desire to truly quit until now but I went off the rails.

I am so ashamed. I'm alone in that this is my own crisis and doing and although all I can do is sit and cry I can't continue to get support for breakdowns that I am contributing to. I can't play the victim for something I am continuing to do and harm myself and others.

Definitely don't have a ton of support because at this point I don't think many people want anything to do with me. I'm very ashamed. I need to commit to something I've been putting off for a while and I can't make excuses any longer. I want people to like me and want to be around me which they do but I don't think I would want to be my friend right now due to this. I am also ashamed and tired of looking like a fucking emotional idiot and doing inappropriate things like texting at a weird hour or saying something weird.

I've been lying to myself for months about how bad I am with a few times a week but I am glad I had this clarity even tho I am at rock bottom right now.

Please give me words of encouragement. I hate myself so much right now.