Feelings.

TW: Mental Illness, Pet Death.

I am overwhelmed right now. I feel like my thoughts are melting between my fingers, and I can’t sift through them because they run together.

The world is on fire, and I’m just here stimming and pacing for “issues” not even related to the aforementioned world and its being on fire. It makes me feel like I shouldn't be complaining. It makes me feel like I need to "get my shit together." But, I don't know how to. I don't know how to stop spiraling right now.

I’m 90% sure I’m hypomanic. I haven’t had a manic episode in years… and I’m not really worried about this turning into that, because I adhere to my medications and I’m self aware and I go to therapy. Yet, my therapist and psychiatrist seem to think I’m just doing well. They’re not listening when I tell them I’m starting to feel like I’m crawling in my skin and I’m agitated and my brain is buzzing and crackling with thoughts upon thoughts. They see that I’m confident and I feel like I matter and I feel like I’m not a waste of space and I’m not sleeping 20 hours a day and I’m getting things done and I’m being productive. And don’t get me wrong, those are all GREAT things… but they hit me like a freight train; I’m not used to feeling like I can do things, and I’m certainly not used to actually doing those things. I think it’s wonderful I don’t currently feel like I’m literally worthless, but I’m suspicious as to why I no longer feel like I’m literally worthless. I can’t seem to explain this to them. It’s like they think I’m analyzing too deeply. That I just can’t enjoy a good thing. But is this a good thing?

I miss my dog so fucking much. He was my service dog for 5 years, and he saved my life. Literally. Sounds cheesy or dramatic, but I mean it. He saved my life. I lost him to cancer. Golden Retrievers and cancer, man. He was only 7 years old. I still hate that I couldn’t save him the way he saved me. I lost him in November, 2024. I still think about him all the time and I still think I see him in the pools of sunlight that settle on the carpet. He showed me unconditional love, and he taught me so much about joy and laughter and loving life. He was so happy-go-lucky and carefree. He never failed to make me smile. We used to get the mail every day, and he would carry it home down the hill with his tail held high and a prance in his step, and now I have to get the mail alone. And It’s just this little thing, but I have to do it alone. And sometimes I feel like I didn’t deserve him. I wish I could take back the times I raised my voice or got frustrated with him. Sometimes we didn’t go for walks or play games because I was dealing with symptoms or was occupied. I just wanna tell him one more time how much I love him. I hope he knows how much I love him.

Thanks for reading.