RANT: Misunderstood/misinterpreted by nearly everybody in my life and it's destroying my self-esteem

It's often said that bonafide, durable self-esteem can only be acquired through the strengthening of the relationship with the self, a process which necessarily involves learning to process criticism healthily, but rarely is it acknowledged how difficult this is to achieve for those of us whose circumstances - psychologically, cognitively and otherwise - impact the very manner in which we process information, and thus respond to stimuli. And when the flow of criticism is constant, when you are almost invariably assumed incompetent or incorrect, rightly or not, by those you cross paths with, it is all the more difficult. After all, how can you be expected to process criticism when the condition of being criticized is inherent to your being, when your very presence provokes dismissal?

Neurotypical people, including my friends and relatives, convey to me in their not-so-subtle gestures that they believe I am inferior to them, that my judgment is lacking, and I'm expected to respond graciously, to validate them through deference by submitting to them. And when I fail to do so, when I am so presumptuous as to believe that I might possess equivalent or superior knowledge about the topic at hand, I am met with explicit admonishment, for it is their prerogative to remind me of my place my place in the universe (subordinate) when I step out of line (display aptitude or express a desire to be treated humanely), or at least that is their perception. It's as if by simply possessing the expectation that I be treated fairly, that I be evaluated in terms of my actual merit, I am breaching some implicit social covenant, and so I often suppress my insight, my wit, to avoid the inevitable backlash.

My observations are frequently misconstrued by those around me; If I make a comment about (x) thing, I am assumed to have overlooked variables (a), (b), and (c) in my analysis when in reality the proper assumptions are baked in to my calculation, and I am quickly "corrected" for my perceived oversight. If I make a sarcastic wisecrack, I am assumed to be earnest, for it couldn't possibly be the case that I, the lowly, depressive autist, am capable of identifying subtle ironies - that is a trait possessed only by those graced with the gift of discernment, a feature of normalcy. In the rare instance where I say something unequivocally, undeniably insightful (from a neurotypical POV), it is brushed off as an instantiation of the "broken clock" phenomenon. At times, I can't help but think that people fear that I might be as, or more intelligent than they are, but because they've internalized the idea that they are normal and I am not, and that normalcy = intelligence, they lash out at me when I display insight, because by demonstrating that abnormality doesn't necessarily indicate a lack of intelligence, I am calling into to question the contrapositive (abnormal = unintelligent) that they subconciously ascribe to me in order to affirm to themselves that they are normal, and therefore, capable.

Relating the above to my initial thoughts, having the contrapositive that abnormal = unintelligent thrust on to you, having false meaning projected on to your statements, or having your statements assumed to be vacuous, is not unlike being subjected to a constant stream of criticism/invalidation. And if I am inherently disadvantaged in trying to process criticism emotionally, then I am doubly disadvantaged by the fact of the criticism being incessant. Over time, this starts to chip away at you, to erode your confidence. You retrench inward, knowing that to expose your humanity is sure to provoke inhumane responses, and over time, you start to entertain the premise that you are inferior. I don't want to cut everybody out, to live the life of a hermit in order to insulate myself from the never-ending dismissal and cruelty. After all, I, like everyone else, want my "normalcy" affirmed, irrationally or not, because the belief that I am normal is a basic precondition to my fulfillment. But if I want to retain a modicum of dignity, of self-respect, in a world that is unkind to those that are different in even the most minute respects, perhaps I am better served driving a wedge between myself and everyone else; limiting my engagement with the world. I want badly to believe that there is some way for me to obtain the benefits (principally the validation and acknowledgment) of normalcy, that through "masking" I might overcome the perception that I am different, but I've read every self-help book, attended social skills groups, and otherwise attempted to emulate neurotypical behavior, and am still clocked as deficient within milliseconds by nearly every person I meet. I want nothing more than to expereince the bliss of believing that I am normal, and therefore capable.