I don't want to be anymore....

I'm just tired, I'm tired of feeling the way I do about myself. Like I'm not worth anything, like I'm not worth anyone's time. Like a failure. I'm tired of being lonely, yet when I enter a relationship I fuck it up cus of stupid bs. I'm tired of feeling undesirable, unattractive. I'm tired of being the guy that nobody really looks at. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough....not man enough, not black enough, not strong enough, not good enough. I'm tired of feeling stuck, feeling like I deserve nothing. I'm tired of being emotionally intelligent, so that no marter what anyone says, or does it doesn't help, my brain just goes "and yet you still feel this way, whether it's true or not." I'm tired of feeling like a loser, I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of being a man, because if I crash out as a man, especially a black man, then I'm dangerous, a threat, people look at you different, you're a criminal. I'm tired of being black because every day, I get shown that the world doesnt care about you or your kind. Hell sometimes it be your own people that denigrate and belittle you for not being enough. I'm tired of being neuro divergent because on top of the racial turmoil, I don't look the part, I don't dress the part, I don't speak the part, so I don't feel like I fit in. Yeah it may be self isolation but sometime suffering in silence is better than being met with the reality that everyone has their own lives to live and they can't spend theirs keeping you up....I'm just....tired....I want to end it all but I know I won't, because I can't. There's too much at stake, it'd just add to the suffering. It doesn't take the pain away, it just transfers it to someone else. So I'm just here, stuck in the mud and trying to pretend like I'm fine. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to BE anymore. I know people love me....but I don't know why that doesnt help.....I don't know why people care about me when I have nothing but words to offer. Advice I can't follow, dreams and ambitions I'm just too lazy to out effort towards. I'm not a good person, or partner or even friend, I'm just....some guy....born into a world alone. Everyone would be better off without me here....I truly believe that....

I don't want to be me. I hate me....